911! EMERGENCY!! 911!!

For those of you who have casually followed this blog, and the less successful Al Davis Plus the Points, I have exciting news for you. The Opening of the official Al Davis Plus the Points blog! That's right kiddies, we bought the domain name! The Blogspot site was actually a lot more popular than we had anticipated and a buddy of ours suggested we buy it so we might actually get noticed in smaller social circles. Anywho, tonight Siegs and I will do our week in review in the NFL including our awful picks and I'll include my take on Jersey Shore... including my Jersey Shore Power Rankings. So please, go, follow, and for the love of Allah make suggestions because we're terrible at this. Al Davis Plus the Points.

EXCITING BLOG NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, maybe not as exciting as the titles made it sound, but it still is decent. Anyone who knows me knows I love 3 things almost exclusively - Sports, Gambling and Booze. And with this new internet thing actually taking off I've decided to express my love out loud. Because doing it alone makes me look sad, I've decided to add another man to the team. So Brandon Sieglaff and I will be broadcasting from Chicago every Monday and Thursday with Al Davis Plus the Points. It's a biweekly sports podcast in which we discuss the weekend coming up (Thursday) and the week that was (Monday) in the NFL. And as the season progresses we will change to the NBA, MLB and NCAA. Including some Gumbo shows in which we throw a little bit of everything in. There will also be written content in which we'll blog about sports and make picks for the weekend. So now without further adieu Al Davis Plus the Points

New Movie List

Several things that I'm going address, but first a new Top Movies of the Year.
Top 10 Movies of 2009 (as of 11.4.09)
1. Inglorious Basterds
2. District 9
3. Sin Nombre
4. Up
5. Sugar
6. Where the Wild Things Are
7. Anvil: The Story of Anvil
8. (500) Days of Summer
9. Coraline
10. Tyson


Yet to See:
Goodbye Solo
The Hurt Locker
Away We Go
The Girlfriend Experience

Best of the Year So Far

After watching Tyson (one of the movies on this list) I was just bored enough to make my Best Films of 2009... as of 10.26.09. Plus it's a nice way for me to plug the new blog by Benny Salb - I Just Might be an Idiot. I won't read it because I have class and taste, but I gave it a shameless promotion anyway. But I digress -

Top 10 Movies of 2009 (as of 10.26.09)
1. Inglorious Basterds
2. District 9
3. Up
4. Sugar
5. (500) Days of Summer
6. Funny People
7. Coraline
8. Tyson
9. Star Trek
10. Drag Me to Hell

Yet to See:
Sin Nombre
Goodbye Solo
Where the Wild Things Are
The Hurt Locker
Anvil: The Story of Anvil
Away We Go
Whatever Works
The Girlfriend Experience

Movie Critic - Tyson

It could be argued that Mike Tyson has been one of the most controversial athletes of the last 20 years, if not all time. James Toback explores the life of the troubled Heavyweight in the documentary Tyson. Shot using mostly footage of what appears to be a series of interviews with Mike Tyson, we explore the world of Mike, from his beginning to what he's been up to since leaving boxing in 2005.
In my review of the film Sugar I describe how rare it was for me to enjoy a sports movie, if only because my standards are so high. One of the aspects of sports cinema that has been drastically missing are compelling characters. As I mentioned earlier it just seems easier for directors and writers to fall back on old stereotypes of athletes, play Thunderstruck 18 times and use quick cuts to distract people rather than write interesting characters that people might actually care about. But I never mentioned how much I truly enjoy sports documentaries. With documentaries you get a whole new perspective. You don't have to worry about fabricating characters because they've already got a rich enough story to put to film, and because it's usually the actual humans in interviews you already have that connection that you might not get with actors. This is exactly what happens in Tyson. Instead of having some actor fall into a caricature of the Champ, you have the actual man telling you some of the more painful memories of his past. Whether it's bullies in the Bronx roughing him up for his lunch money, or talking about his hero and mentor Cus D'Amato - you can see real emotions in someone who you would have never imagined. One of the more compelling aspects of this documentary is Toback's shots of Tyson during the more emotional times, he never lets the camera stray too far away from his eyes, letting you see the pain that Tyson has.
Another great aspect of the documentary is the use of fight footage. Hearing him talk about these epic bouts while watching fights from my childhood was an indescribable sensation. It was like getting directors commentary on your earliest and fondest sports memories. I remember watching a taped version of the Michael Spinks fight, I vaguely remember being at a party and a shocked crowd as Buster Douglas knocked out Mike Tyson. But I'm talking more the mid-90's fights, right when many people my age are just coming into their sports conscious. The two Holyfield fights and Lennox Lewis - we all know how those ended, but it's just a perspective of the fight you never imagined you would get.
I've read reviews that have argued that there's an agenda to this film. James Toback is a friend of Tyson's and it has been criticized for it's portrayal of such a controversial figure. The film shows Mike Tyson - alleged spousal abuser and convicted rapist, but also shows Mike Tyson - complex human being and proud father. Mike Tyson will never stop being a polarizing figure, but love him or hate him, after watching Tyson you will never look at him the same way again. Tyson is rated R for language including sexual references and gets a 4/5 Stars.

Movie Critic - Sugar

It’s been a while folks, and I apologize. But seeing as I no longer have a job I figured I can put a serious dent in my Netflix queue and get back to blogging (or at least I say that but it’ll probably be another month before I write again). Anywho, I’m here to review the film Sugar. In 2007 writing/directing team Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck showed they know one thing, characters. And because of that ma boy the Baby Goose Ryan Gosling got an Oscar nod in their film Full Nelson. Now their focus is on a young Dominican arm Miguel ‘Sugar’ Santos and his young baseball career in the Minor Leagues.
Now I’ll be the first to admit – I’m extremely hard on sports movies. It seems that people just love bad sports movies… there have been plenty. I understand not every sports movie hitting the multiplex can be a Hoosiers, Bull Durham, Tin Cup, or Raging Bull – but have some standards people. I hate when people talk about sports movies and bring up Coach Carter (essentially someone took the Hoosiers script and then made it shitty), Remember the Titans (sensationalizing racism… plus the pretty boy QB is pancaking linebackers), or The Replacements (woof… enough said). I get giddy like a school girl every time a new sports movie comes out that I can actually stand – and folks not only could I stand this one, it was down right fantastic. One of the things that many of the aforementioned great sports movies have is great characters. Not just transparent stereotypes of athletes, they all have legitimate and developed characters. The other thing a great sports movie has is realistic sports action, which Sugar has in spades. There’s not a miss step in any of the baseball action, all of feels real and is filmed perfectly.
One of the more impressive things in this film is the performance of first timer Algenis Perez Soto. According to his imdb page this is his first time out of the gate and I doubt anyone would be able to tell. He plays the character perfectly, there’s not a false note in this performance – whether it’s him pitching, struggling with his English, or having fun with friends. There seems to be a natural sincerity to the character.
Another impressive aspect to Sugar is Boden and Fleck’s direction. From being shot on what seems to be a shoe string budget Sugar moves beautifully from the slums of the Dominican Republic to the farm fields of Iowa to the metropolitan of New York City while never losing its message or purpose. The other thing that impressed me is that it’s apparent that the two are either huge baseball fans or have done a lot of research on Minor League Baseball and the men who pass through it at some point. The authenticity of the movie is shocking for such a small film.
One of the things that made this such a special sports film is that there were many layers. You could look at this as a baseball movie, an immigrant story, or a combination of the two. The performances are strong enough to carry some of the slower moments and make it genuinely believable. Whether Sugar makes it or not is not the main story, his development as a man is what really matters – and the filmmakers make sure it’s not some cheap payoff. Not only is this one of the better sports movies I've seen in a while, it's also one of the better films of 2009. Sugar is 120 minutes long and (for some reason) is Rated R for language, some sexuality and brief drug use – and gets 4/5 Stars.

Oh Legion, You Had Me at Upside Down Crucifixion

I know it's been a while folks, and I have several movies I'm backed up on reviewing... and eventually I'll throw a Favre rant in there too but I saw this trailer, and oh my it looks tasty. Legion's plot is simple - after God loses faith in humanity, the archangel Michael is the only one standing between mankind and the apocalypse. He leads a group of strangers who must protect a woman who is pregnant with Christ in his second coming. In that group of strangers is Dennis Quaid... who is a lot like Kurt Russell - underrated. Sure, they both do a lot of shit, but they're always great in it, especially Kurt, he' so dreamy... I mean badass, yeah... badass. Anywho, even though I'm not very religious the plot really shouldn't matter here because there's gun violence and an upside down crucifixion. This absolutely Barachus looking film also stars Paul Bettany (as Michael), Kevin Durand, Charles S. Dutton, and 'Whatchu want... Whole lotta' Tyreeeeeeeeeeeeese! And even though I'm not cool enough to know what it means, this is NSFW. There's no boobies (bummer I know) but there is swearing and the aforementioned gun violence and crucifying. Enjoy.

I'll Jump on the Bandwagon

I've been saying since the first time I watched Da Ali G Show that Brüno is Sacha Baron Cohen's best character. Now after the 'great success' of the highly overrated Borat Baron Cohen finally makes a Brüno feature. And sorry, I did think Borat was funny, but how many time do I have to hear every fucking Frat Boy go, 'Very Niiiiiice'... I mean people were quoting it like it was Anchorman or something. Anywho following an appearance on the Late Show Wednesday as himself (a very rare but fantastic occurance here and here - sorry there's overlap I couldn't find a good copy of Part 1) Baron Cohen went on as Bruno to deliver the Top 10. I love David Letterman so I figured I'd post it... it also follows the tradition of having Number 2 or 3 being the funniest of the Top 10.

Buzz Aldrin is so Gangsta

This is probably one of the greatest things I've ever seen.

Making of Buzz Aldrin's Rocket Experience w/ Snoop Dogg and Talib Kweli from Buzz Aldrin

Now I Know Why Postal Employees Show Up with Assault Rifles

Recently I discovered it's illegal to drive without a front license plate. I've been doing it since High School and an officer decided to finally tell me by way of a citation. Although I'm surprised he didn't let me off, I mean my truck is about as badass as the Banner Picture (note: no front plate).
I made a trip to my nearest Department of Motor Vehicles in Waukesha to request a new front license plate... little did I know it's the equivalent to asking for the Shroud of Turin. Not only is it the poorest run office in the state, everyone that works there must have Brain Damage. I had to wait 2 hours just to get to a booth... which I really don't care about because I don't mind waiting - but do you know who's in the lines at a DMV? It's like a Leper Colony. I felt like the last sane man on Earth... if only because I wasn't mumbling or cussing or stinking of week long BO. Also I had the fine opportunity of being placed directly betwixt several kids looking to get their licenses. Do you know what the average 15/16 year old talks about while waiting in upwards of 2 hours? It's horse shit - all of it. Who's hot, who's gross - the worst was one of the kids started talking about how awesome Shinedown is, I wanted to blow my fucking brains out. I mean Shinedown? Seriously? They're like a shitty Nickleback cover band... and Nickleback is atrocious. Plus one of them was wearing a scarf and tight jeans, I wanted to ask him why his sister lets him borrow her jeans... God damnit I hate hipsters.
But then I had finally gotten to the front of the line and I thought my suffering was over... I was incorrect. I did not realize the Gaggle of Morons that reside behind the desk and glass at most DMV's. I had to talk to three different people before someone understood that I just need another license plate - not a set, not to say that I'd like to change my plates.
Idiot 1 - 'So wait... you just want one?'
Me - 'Yes.'
Idiot 2 - '(suspicious)... Why?'
Me - '(in my head) Jesus Harold Christ do I need to draw you a picture?'
But after all was settled I was still looked at like a terrorist walking out, like I'm pulling a slick one over on the DMV to get a new plate to put on my truck so everyone thinks I'm someone else in some master plan. I'm not James Bond, I'm just a fat asshole who hates having to answer the same question 18 times and doesn't want his time wasted. Come on people we have super computers that allow you to communicate instantly with people halfway around the world, you can download a movie in minutes, we have robots doing almost everything for us now, yet we can't make the DMV any more efficient? Didn't we put a man on the fucking Moon? Here's the kicker too - after all the fuss - it's being mailed to me, I have to wait more now. A trip to the DMV is comparable to being in a conversation with Spencer Pratt, just a never ending Hell.

Guns > Hippies

Let's be real here - guns are pretty badass. I think every single problem in this world can be solved with some good ol' fashion gun violence... just look at how efficiently the Old West was run. But just guns can get boring, which is why we came up with automatics, bayonets, laser sights, but I was always left thinking - there must be more. Now cracked.com has listed the 7 Most Over the Top (not the Sly movie) Weapon Modifications... and I'll be honest the AA-12 made me cum my jeans.

'Hold on to your Butts' ~ Sam Jackson in Jurassic Park

I'd Let Him Do Things to My Swimsuit Area

We all know and love Bob Uecker. In fact when I talk about him to people I feel a lot like Dennis Hopper talking about Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now, 'He's like a God, man!' Interesting side note to that - great Dennis Hopper is listed as 'Photo Journalist' according to imdb.com in that movie. Anywho, anyone who has grown up loving the Brewers knows the soothing sound of Bob Uecker's voice. And anyone who has listened to him consistently knows that he's down right hilarious, and so I figure I'd post a few stories told about Bob Uecker from two of the funniest people alive right now - Norm MacDonald and Artie Lange (but let's be honest, Artie doesn't have much time left).

'You Cannot Be Serious!' ~John McEnroe

Excuse me but I’m going to go on a bit of a rant here… but I don’t want a bunch of comments saying how biased I am so I’m going to clear a few things up first.
1. I always drive with my vehicle’s lights on.
2. I believe in Global Warmin… sorry, Global Climate Change (is that what we’re calling it now?)
3. I don’t think it’s half as big of a threat that people make it out to be.
4. In 2004 I voted for George W. Bush.
5. In 2008 I voted for Barack Obama.
6. I am registered to vote as a Moderate.
Ok, I hope that shows that I really show no defining bias… except against idiots, and with that I will get to my rant. I recently made a trip up to UWL (or The U as it’s more commonly known) to move a recliner. Putzing around leaving the city I pulled into a Kwik Trip to pick up a few things, and I parked, forgot turn off my lights and got out of my truck and started walking down the sidewalk. A fairly attractive (and for all intensive purposes normal looking) female walked up to me – being the normal upstanding citizen I am, I smiled and said hello. At this point she made a smarmy face and said to me (and this is the conversation roughly verbatim)…
Chick – ‘You should really turn your lights off…’
Me – ‘Oh, I’m not too worried about the battery.’
Chick – ‘Well I’m worried about the environment and don’t like when people waste energy.’
Me – ‘You cannot be serious.’
Chick – ‘I’m very serious when it comes to the planet.’
Me - *laugh in here face, walk about three steps then turn around, look at her – then keep walking while laughing out loud*
(… and Scene)
Listen, I understand that you probably watch An Inconvenient Truth in your Environmental Studies class and probably quote it all the time thinking you’re being a better person – but you’re just making yourself look like an idiot. IT’S NOT EVEN HOW CARS WORK! There’s an alternator that recharges the battery… it doesn’t run on natural gas, or gasoline, or unicorn tears… or whatever resources the earth is running out of. There’s a reason that we’re trying make cars that run off this technology.
Now I know that the reason you think you’re so progressive is to impress the dreamy liberal that’s the head of the College Democrats… but let’s be honest, the only reason he took that position is because he knows most the chicks there are wildly Pro-Choice. In the same turn that I know College Republicans that joined knowing that most the chicks are conservative Jesus freaks that are hard up for it… but I digress.
I have no problem with people expressing their opinion, or trying to better the world. But when you say things that are so absurd it just makes me assume you rode the short bus to school. Now we all know there have to be alternative energies and more efficient ways to make a vehicle run… unfortunately the re-usable foot technology hasn’t been used since the time of The Flintstones. Now before you go around and keep making an ass of yourself I hope someone goes Jim Calhoun on you and demands, ‘you get the facts, and come back to me!’

I Just Came a Little

We all know that with the coming of Summer we're assured several things - Brewers Season, Sweaty Blackouts, and Summer Event Movies. Well hold on to your hats folks, because I have the trailer for the ultimate Summer Blockbuster... that's straight to DVD. It's Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, and it looks pretty much just like it sounds.

Movie Critic - Let the Right One In

I’m a sucker for good horror films… although I really haven’t had much to be a sucker for lately. Really other than 2005’s The Descent every other horror movie to come down the pike is some hack writer or director’s ‘re-imagining’ or just right out stealing ideas from 20 years ago. Now we have Tomas Alfredson’s Let the Right One In, a story about a young bullied 12-year old named Oskar who meets a strange new girl named Eli. Now I’m not telling you anything outside of school here when I say that Eli has a bit of a secret – she’s a vampire.
Many times with foreign horror movies a lot is lost in translation – especially seeing as there were possible problems with dubbing on the Blu-Ray version of this film (luckily I prefer subtitles). This is not the case with this Swedish gem. Every scene is eerie and unsettling, even if it’s just two children talking in a courtyard. This suspense and horror is really based around the same idea as the Vampire classic 1922’s Nosferatu, using suspense and atmosphere so at the end of the day you’ll never really jump out of your seat… but when you turn out the lights you might check your closet and under your bed. There’s also added suspense because the child actors are just so good and so God damned creepy. Many times when child actors are involved there are a few really dramatic scenes that they screw up because they don’t have the chops, and make you sit back and go, ‘Ugh… remember the good old days when these kids would’ve been working in the mines for 3 years already?’ But that’s not the case with Let the Right One In, in fact Kare Hedebrant (Oskar) and Lina Leeandersson (Eli) shine in their roles.
Let the Right One In stares at Twilight fans and says, ‘I see your abstinence message ridden tweeny horse shit, and raise you a 12-year old girl tearing through grown men like a hungry wolf… oh and we have people on fire’. For everyone who’s not an idiot and wants a legitimate love story that happens to involve vampires, please don’t support Twilight and use your Netflix or Blockbuster to see this great film. The atmosphere, the acting, the suspense, everything about this film is top notch. If it wasn’t for a few scenes (particularly one near the end) this would be an almost perfect horror movie.
Let the Right One In is rated R for some bloody violence including disturbing images, brief nudity and language, and gets a 4 out of 5 Stars.

Movie Critic - Star Trek

I’ll say it – I’m a Star Wars guy. Even though I’ve seen eight of the previous ten Star Trek movies I could just never get into it like many people have… i.e. Trekkies. None of those eight really compared to the three original Star Wars movies (plus let’s be honest, does anyone really consider the prequels real Star Wars movies?). I have to be honest, I was surprised when I heard they were making this film, Star Trek really has exhausted much of the possibilities it could’ve – with several television series and ten movies, I mean, what could be new? I guess I was wrong. This prequel shows how the Starship Enterprise came to be as we know it from the original Star Trek.
I’m going to start with the thing that first jumped out at me in this movie – the special effects. They are top notch, with many movies like this there will be at least a few times where I think to myself, ‘Oh, come on… ‘. I can honestly say I bought every minute of this film. Whether it was just simple shots of inside the ship or three men parachuting through space, I really can’t say enough about how great this film looks. Most of this is probably due to J.J. Abrams hitting another one out of the park.
Abrams (who might be Mark Attanasio’s doppelganger) has a pretty legit track record – Alias, LOST, and Mission: Impossible III. Now sure, M:I III is a lot like that hot chick you let cheat off you in high school (looks great, but nothing really on the inside) but it’s still a nice resume, and Star Trek just ads to it. He gives the feeling that you actually are in these different worlds whether it’s Vulcan, or Iowa in the future, or on the Starship Enterprise. This also helps when you have a believable cast.
There is not a poor performance in this movie… which is impressive seeing as Tyler Perry is in it. I have to admit, for a cast of mostly unknowns they really do a great job here. One of the better performances is from Chris Pines as James T. Kirk. It would’ve been easy for Pines to just slip into a cartoon of such an iconic and outlandish character, but he takes it and makes it his own. There’s also great work in here from Zachary Quinto, Eric Bana, Karl Urban, Zoe Saldana, John Cho and Bruce Greenwood, as well as the always great Simon Pegg. Also a nice (and not cheap) cameo by Leonard Nimoy, who still looks great for 78.
This movie is really being advertised slightly wrong. Even though it is an effects driven ‘Summer Event’ movie, this is really more of a character driven film. One of the most important things this movie does is appeal to almost every type of movie goers. It makes references to the classic movies (the random guy in Red always dying, Bones saying, ‘damnit Jim I’m a doctor not a physicist’, and Scotty’s classic, ‘I’m giving it all she’s got Captain) pleasing the nerds who will dress up in their Enterprise gear. It will also please casual fans as well (and maybe most importantly) a person who has never seen a Star Trek movie. It’s easy to look past some of the minor shortfalls of this movie, when everything else seems to work… and is so damn entertaining. I'll say it, I loved this movie, move over Wrath of Kahn, there’s a new leader in the Star Trek clubhouse.
Star Trek is rated PG-13 for sci-fi action and violence, and brief sexual content, and gets 4 out of 5 Stars.

Hef > Spencer

I have two apologies to write for this story...
1. Sorry that it's been a while Charles, I know you check these religiously and we've been slacking.
2. Sorry Trace that if you read this at work you might get a little too excited make an accident in your pants.
But I digress... 'news' has hit today that Heidi Montag might be in negotiations to pose for Playboy. Tyler Durden has the story here and make better jokes than I could attempt. Now I've never watched an episode of The Hills so this 'news' just angers me more an more if only because I don't understand why they're famous. I'll be honest, I'd rather listen to Amy Winehouse sing Barry White's greatest hits than ever have to listen to Heidi our her tool box of a boyfriend open their stupid spoiled yaps ever again. If there's a God in this world the plane carrying them to this photo shoot will go down with a vengeance. Or in an interesting turn of events she leaves Spencer and becomes one of Hef's new girlfriends... naturally leaving Spencer dateless as he shows up to accept his award for Biggest Douche in the Universe.

Surprised I Didn't See Myself

Everyone hates Hipsters... it's just a fact. Whether they're telling you about some band you'll never hear of, or wearing their sister's jeans with an ironic t-shirt... it's just unbearable. Some website has done a wonderful job of collecting a bunch of pictures of them for our entertainment. So now behold...

Hipster Douchebags-a-Plenty

Thank You, Jackie

In 1946 baseball genius and then Dodgers club president and general manager Branch Rickey broke one of baseball’s longest and most disgraceful unwritten rules by signing a talented young black shortstop from the Negro League Kansas City Monarchs to a minor league deal with the Montreal Royals. And on this day every year we celebrate one of the most important days in American history. On April 15th, 1947 Jackie Robinson started first base for the Brooklyn Dodgers. By breaking baseball’s color barrier Jackie Robinson had to be big, bigger than his Brooklyn teammates that drew up a petition to keep him off the ball club, bigger than the pitchers who threw at his head, and bigger than the base runners that dug their cleats shamelessly into his legs. He had to be bigger than the bench jockeys who yelled some of the most horrible racial epitaphs imaginable and insisted he carry their bags and shine their shoes. And bigger than the so-called fans who mocked him with mops on their heads and wrote him endless death threats. I can’t decide which is more impressive, that he was man enough to take this challenge… or that he was man enough not to give in and fight back. Today we honor Jackie Robinson being bigger than baseball, too many times in our society we throw around the word hero - Jackie Robinson is the definition of the word. It’s days like today and people like Branch Rickey that make me proud to be a baseball fan. But it’s the courage of men like Jackie Robinson that make me proud to be an American.

Movie Critic - Observe and Report

The story of Observe and Report is almost hard to explain... if only because it's all over the place. Seth Rogen plays Ronnie Barnardt, a mall rent-a-cop who believes he's in charge of protecting the mall at all costs. When a streaker and string of robberies hit the mall Ronnie springs into action, while actual cops (played by Ray Liotta) actually try and solve the crime. Add in Ronnie's attempt to become a legitimate cop and his borderline obsession with the blonde at the make-up counter Brandi (played by Anna Faris) makes this a jam packed 86 minutes.
Some of the problems in this movie is that it mixes fairly smart and dark humor with a lot of sophomoric jokes made for idiots. This was proven perfectly with the group of about 12 High School kids in the screening I saw who treated Seth Rogen and Aziz Ansari yelling 'Fuck You' back and forth like it was whit on par with Woody Allen. Once it got back to no dick and fart jokes the pricks continued to talk and be obnoxious the entire movie... it really has nothing to do with my review, I just cannot fucking stand when people do that.
But I digress... to the question that I thought about all movie - when did Anna Faris get hot? I remember during the Scary Movie series I could not stand her... it could be because she was staring in such hacky trash, but she didn't seem all that attractive or funny. Now she really hasn't done that many great movies since (sans Brokeback Mountain) but in interviews she's actually been fairly funny and is actually fairly hot now - so I can let it slide. She steals several scenes, and is actually pretty good in this role. Most of the supporting cast is good though including Michael Pena in a change of pace for him, and Danny McBride with a great quick cameo.
But performances aside this movie is an absolute hot mess, there is no way around it. Director Jody Hill takes us all over the place with no real purpose until the last half or so. The most frustrating part about Hill's direction is that he's proven he's competent with good material, Foot Fist Way is extremely underrated and he's directed several episodes of HBO's fantastic comedy Eastbound and Down. But the tone jumps all over the place - but then again, it could also be because it seems he's trying to make Paul Blart: Mall Cop meets Taxi Driver.

Even with my qualms with the pacing and tone, this movie is damn funny. And as much as the first half drags and meanders, the second half is enjoyable and down right hilarious. Seth Rogen plays a different role in this, instead of the lovable loser, he plays the awkward and borderline likable loser. He hits most the right notes, and as I said earlier, if it weren't for the last half (especially the last 15-20 minutes) this movie would be an absolute train wreck.
Observe and Report has a running time of 86 minutes, and is Rated R for pervasive language, graphic nudity, drug use, sexual content and violence.
All over the place, but still funny - Observe and Report squeaks by with 3 out of 5 Stars.

2009 MLB Predictions

I usually like to look at people's year predictions, so I'll post mine (so I can then either gloat or be made fun of). Should be a helluva season... but I say that every year. So here... we... go...

AL East : Red Sox
AL Central : Tigers
AL West : Angels
AL Wild Card : White Sox

AL Champion : BoSox

AL MVP : Miguel Cabrera
AL Cy Young : Jon Lester

NL East : Phillies
NL Central : Cubs
NL West : Dodgers
NL Wild Card : Marlins

NL Champ : Dodgers

NL MVP : Manny Ramirez
NL Cy Young : Johan Santana

World Series Champ : Dodgers

Just In Time for the National Championship

Ron Burgundy Interviews Roy Williams (UNC) from Ron Burgundy

Movie Critic - Death Race

This is a movie that is based off 1975's Death Race 2000, which is a movie that is exactly what it sounds. A race across the country in which David Carradine and Sly basically drive fast cars with guns and hit Old People and Women with them. Needless to say, it's fairly badass in that bad 70's movie sense. This takes a slightly different premise, the year is 2012 and the American Economy has failed completely (foreshadowing?) so prisons - now run by giant corporations - organize Death Races and air them to make money. As in every futuristic movie like this, naturally America eats it up, but gets bored so they have to keep making it more and more ridiculous.
Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson (hack) he once again sloppily throws a camera in random places and catches actors saying lines. Just like his style there are extreme close ups to the action and shaky camera work to 'add intesity', when in reality he's making up for his extremely shotty directing skills. Sharing the same name as Paul Thomas Anderson is a travesty, comparing Paul W.S. Anderson to PTA is like comparing Earvin 'Magic' Johnson to the Ervin Johnson who played for the Bucks. And once again PWSA fails to deliver as a director.
As for the star - Stath... it's safe to say he yet again mails this one in. Jason Statham plays the same character he's beeing playing since being cast in The Transporter (1-3), Crank, and what promises to be awful Crank: High Voltage. The worst part is... it's working for him, he's not bad in this, the border line retarded hardass is exactly what is needed for this role. As for the rest Ian McShane is actually pretty decent and Tyrese adds absolutely nothing while still not being too bad.
So here goes, I actually enjoyed this movie. Once again, playing on the 'movies so bad, they're good', it actually works. Although the premise of Death Race 2000 compared to this Death Race is much, much better, this works too. Never leaving the prison really gives it a confined scope to the movie that actually works. I'm going to be honest, it's nothing more than car racing and extreme violence... and sometimes that's really all you need.
Death Race is Rated R for Strong Language and Violence, and has a running time of 111 Minutes.
Death Race gets (as weird as it feels to say) a 3/5 Stars

Bahstan, Barf, Cunts and Compton - Musings From This Week in the Bad Girl's Club

It's Tuesday, 9 pm, I'm wearing the same clothes I went out in last night and my companion is a Caffeine Free Diet Coke... it must be time for Bad Girl's Club. Once again I dropped the ball last week and missed the BGC so I’m covering both episodes – the final and the all important reunion show. One of the opening moments of the final episode is Oxygen giving us a treat by finally showing us the infamous Scott. He was a lot like Bigfoot to BGC fans, you’ve heard stories about him, but until you actually see him you don’t believe he exists… and Scott did not disappoint. He’s a body builder and looks roughly like a tan Trace in a Banana Hammock.
Nice going around banging random Mexican guys has come back to bite Sarah in the ass. Her and Noah ‘Broke Up’… naturally I put Broke Up in quotations because they weren’t even going out, yet Noah acts like his wife of 16 years is running away with his best friend. She was not feeling the strain as much because in the next scene she’s on a boat and her and Amber B. decide to flash another boat just because they’re whores. Another unintentional comedy moment happened on this boat as well – because it was one of their last nights together they naturally decided to take slutty pictures of each other while on a boat while Emo music plays in the background.
Later in the episode Tiffany’s ‘Brother’ came out to the house and visit the NFL Linebacker, and shit got real. All Amber M. talked about was how excited she was to ‘bounce up on it’, and as he showed up and went to her bedroom the relationship quickly went sour. As Amber M. slowly nestled her head between his legs and right on top of his penis, Amber M. feels that she was inappropriately touched at some point. She brought this up to Tiff at the last supper and a fight ensued. The best part of this is the professional cooks awkwardly hanging out in the background listening to this cat fight. In the middle of this all they cut to commercials and showed one for the BGC Reunion show... and I went from 6 to Midnight. But I digress, another great thing is the Bad Girls Club yoga pants that the girls are wearing - Tiffany’s say ‘Cranky’, and Amber M.’s say ‘Classy’ – Amber’s are lying. They somewhat make up and because they’re Bad Girls they decided to trash the mansion like they’re the USA Hockey Team. And just because Oxygen hates me they showed one last quick episode of The Amber Show. God, The Amber Show makes me want to kill an infant. And now this season is over… or is it? Coming up next is the Reunion Show.

The reunion show is hosted by Perez Hilton, which although I had reservations about – ended up being pretty good as a host. Within 5 minutes of the start of the show shit got real. Who would have guess that the e-mail questions to Amber M. of ‘were there every times when you wanted to leave the house?’ would have sparked such a great fight between Amber M. and Tiffany. The best is Sarah pipes in for a while, then said ‘A bad girl never apologizes’, God, this is fucking awesome!
The top two shocks of the night so far are
1. Whitney has been on-air for more than 5 minutes and has not dropped that she’s from Bahstan.
2. Perez Hilton just dropped the word ‘Barf’.
Kayla comes out and almost without missing a step she gets in a fight with Ashley – note: a girl she’s never met – and once again shit got real. Just from Kayla alone Compton sounds scary, not the nice place that NWA came straight outta.
I hate the fact that Amber M. won the fan favorite voted, God Damnit I hate her. Nice that Perez and Oxygen have brought all the boys back, Greg, Noah and Fadoodle and basically threw Ailea under the bus for being the hooker she was. Right in the middle of Perez calling the girls out for slutting around Sarah drops yet another gem with, ‘Everyone gets a little slutty in Cancun’… perfect.
Another big two shocks of the night
3. Boston might not even be from Boston
4. Ashley is now celibate… what the fuck? I think my head just exploded.
So now Bad Girls Club season 3 is over, we’ve had some laughs, some cries, and just been all around appalled that there are people like this who actually exist in the world. G’s to Gents is starting too, I’m really going to need some bad reality television to hold me off for BGC Season 4.

Spike Jonze Continues His Trend of Pure Unadulterated Awesomeness

Where the Wild Things Are is a movie that everyone who has ever been 8 is waiting for. Then when I heard Spike Jonze was attached I could've just bought the tickets right then. Here is the trailer and just as expected - it looks badass.

This is Essentially What I Did With Legos as a Kid

We've all seen and loved and been creeped out by Silence of the Lambs. Somehow it's a little more weird with Lego toys singing to each other.

I Dunno Daaaaaaavey

I'll say it - I love the World Baseball Classic. I wanted the good ol' US of A to roll through every team we faced and take home the title. Seeing as baseball was eliminated from the Olympics - this is essentially like winning the Gold and would instill a massive amount of American Pride... if it wasn't for Davey Johnson... and American Pride. This was a competition, just about every other team looked at the WBC as an opportunity to play baseball proudly wearing their country's name across their chest, that is every team but the US who for some apparent reason treated this as a glorified Spring Training. I'm really not blaming all of the players who gave what they could, I'm blaming Davey Johnson. If people thought Ned Yost did an awful job of in game management - I'll let them watch the DVR'd USA games at my house and show you what an abysmal manager looks like.
Let's look at the examples, let's start with the embarrassing 11-1 loss to Puerto Rico. Many people will put this on Jake Peavy - and he was awful - he struggled to find the strike zone for his entire outing, and when Davey Johnson was asked why he left his starter out there to rot his response was, 'I wanted him to reach his 52.' His 52? I thought we were going to treat this as a tournament... not a Spring Training start against the other team's AAA guys. This is team Puerto Rico with 22 Major Leagers, guess what happens when you let a guy 'reach his 52', he gets shelled and his confidence gets shaken. Peavy was not the same the rest of the Classic and everyone started doubting Team USA.
Then it comes to Johnson's insistence to play Derek Jeter no matter what the situation. Now I understand that he's the Captain of the team, and plays on 'America's Team', but why when you have Jimmy Rollins on the bench in a close game do you not make a defensive substitution. Does anyone really think that Jeter is a better Shortstop than Rollins? No, because you're basically admitting that you're either a Yankee's fan or rode the short bus to school.
But let's get to last nights Mud Stomping at the hands of Team Japan. Was Japan a better team than us? On pitching alone, Yes. Could we have won that game? Probably. I'll be honest too, the defense of the team and specifically the Big Donkey didn't help the cause but the management of this game was just atrocious. I'm talking mostly about Roy Oswalt and managing the later innings. Right as Oswalt started to falter I looked at my buddy and said, 'are we planning on taking him out soon, or just let him get pounded until they reach 6 runs?' Davey Johnson did just that. Every pitch Oswalt put over the plate was driven into a gap and as Adam Dunn gingerly jogged to the ball, run after run crossed the plate. But this is a resilient US team, just like in the last elimination game against Puerto Rico we started to come back. Mark DeRosa doubles to left scoring Braun and McCann 6-4 Japan. Then DeRosa gets to third on an error with Curtis Granderson coming up to bat. This is the perfect situation for the Tigers' Outfielder, right-handed pitcher and a left-handed batter with some pop with gale force winds out to right. But what's this? Someone's walking to the plate... and they're not black and skinny? Naturally in that situation you pinch hit Evan Longoria for Granderson. I mean it makes complete sense - take the lefty out for righty on righty and let's put in a guy who hasn't taken a hack in all of the WBC. Surprising no one but Davey Johnson Longoria strikes out to end the US threat and then the wheels just fell off from there, Jeter has an error and Dunn just plain stopped playing defense.
Team USA showed some real signs of brilliance in the WBC, and in the hands of a competant manager really could of made some noise. You wonder why when they scanned the ball parks there were more Japanese, Venezualan, or Puerto Rican fans in the stands than US? Maybe it's time we had a manager who took the World Baseball Classic seriously instead of just hoping that a guy 'reaches his 52.'

A New Low

It's no secret now, us Men are a proud race. That's why we constantly put wagers on things... plus degenerate gambling is really badass. This past week (with the introduction of the KFC Famous Bowl and Drink for $2.99) we've started wagering food on casual golf games. I was giddy like a school girl when after 18 holes I had earned 2 Famous Bowls (and subsequently 2 medium drinks). This food gambling did not quit, like junkies we kept upping the odds... until we came upon the greatest fast food menu item of all time. We've all heard of and enjoyed the McDonald's 'Surf and Turf' in which you split a Double Cheeseburger in half and place a Fillet O'Fish in the middle... it's genius. But then I heard about the McGangBang. It's essentially a heart attack between 2 buns, but yet it's extremely fiscally responsible. You take a Double Cheese and a McChicken, split the Che and place the Chicken inside. I'll include a picture those those nonbelievers, but let me tell you folks, this is a great off menu item. Essentially for $2.10 you're getting extremely full and ensuring that you won't live past 57. So now, I present to you...
The McGangBang

Booze, Brawls, Cookies and Carl Yastrzemski... Musings From This Week in the Bad Girls Club

It's Tuesday, 9 pm, I'm wearing a Badger’s Tuxedo T-Shirt and my companion is a Caffeine Free Diet Coke... it must be time for Bad Girl's Club. Once again last week I made the ultimate sacrifice and missed Bad Girls Club in favor of hanging out with a friend who was leaving for a month, so this will be longer to cover the last two weeks of BGC. Last week started with the girls going to the premiere of Pirates 2 – a sequel to a porn that I once saw at Blockbuster… so it’s got to be good. I love the absolute high horse Amber B. is on – talking about how shameful it is to be a porn star and how she’d never do that because she doesn’t want to embarrass her family. I hate to break it to you sweet heart, but you’re on a show called the Bad Girls Club in which YOU DRINK EVERY NIGHT AND WHORE IT UP ALL OVER LOS ANGELES… I’m not sure how much less your parents can think of you.
On an interesting side note: she then found a male porn star and proceeded to fondle his package.
Tiffany had maybe one of the better quotes of the show so far, and it probably should’ve been the title of this post, ‘I’m not fucking with the Mexican Police’. That ladies and gentlemen is a quote to live by. I also love the preview for Oxygen’s next mega hit - Pretty Wicked: The Search for Inner Beauty… I’d hate to ruin the surprise – but I guarantee none of the girls find it.
I love that they make Mexico look like some type of Hedonistic Paradise – full of free booze and hats that look like penises made of balloons. If Mexico is really like this, I’ll never understand why hundred of people risk their lives daily to leave. Also walking into those hotels, what have these girls done to deserve any of this? I also love their constant screaming at the top of their lungs as the walk around in guffaw at the ridiculously nice hotel, there’s got to be someone in the hotel wondering if somewhere 8 women are being brutally murdered.
At lunch the next day they Fab Five jumped on the Amber's and this encounter had two quotes that were absolutely phenomenal. The first comes from Amber M. showing her true colors as people were calling out Amber B. for things, telling the members of the Fab Five, ‘Why are you guys acting that way towards me… if it’s just her you don’t like’. Great work sweat heart, I’ll never know what ma boy Trace sees in you. The other one is from Tiffany and might go in the Pantheon of Reality TV Quotes – threatening the Amber's, ‘I will cut chy’all’. That was spelled out phonetically obviously, and Tiffany is not someone to fuck with… I mean, she just threatened to cut two of her roommates. Also I continue to hate Ailea more and more, plus she just used the phrase, ‘I could care less’… it’s ‘I couldn’t care less’ you stupid Jurassic Cock loving cunt.
Random commercial that is fantastic – the birth control pill that is called Yaz. How unhappy is Carl Yastrzemski with this? I love a birth control named after one of the greatest left handed hitters of all time, I can’t wait for Pete Rose Condoms and Pete Schmidt Diaphragms. But I digress. I love how disappointed Ashley and Sarah are that they didn’t win some stupid Wet Body Contest. How can Oxygen let this happen? Isn’t the point of the show to have them be the biggest whores in the club – they didn’t let that happen. And then it happened… Amber M. just got jumped by the girls – SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

So the new episode starts and there’s something I’ve been meaning to get off my chest for a while – what is with all the make-up Amber B. wears? Don’t get me wrong, I’d still let her be inside me, I’m just saying that sometimes she looks like a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Back to the fight – how weak. There was one discernible kick, and some hair pulling. If I was Boston I would’ve knocked Amber M. the fuck out… then again I was kicked off the first season of From G’s to Gents after 17 minutes because I was too hard and my theme song is Straight Outta Compton. Moment of unintentional comedy – after being looked at by the doctors there’s emo music playing while Amber M. is getting a prescription for pain killers and anti inflammatory – as if she was in any real danger.
The Mexican police show up to the hotel to gather statements and just be the menacing Mexican police in general and immediately the girls treat the officers like they’re members of the Gestapo. Also every single girl in the BGC would be a terrible mobster, and the first sign of heat from the fuzz they folded like a house of cards on each other. Big shocker from the night – Boston being sent home… and naturally to follow was a rant with the Boston accent that tends to come or go – usually determined by the amount of booze she has inhaled. I love during all this Ashley talking shit about Amber M. even though she’s been there roughly 3 weeks.
Another unintentional comedy moment – right before the commercial break Oxygen promised, ‘When we come back more Lying, Drinking, and Sex’… you had me at ‘Sluts’. And speaking of Ashley and sex – great when they were leaving Yven had a sweat stain on the back of his grey v-neck that was in the shape of a penis. And nice as he was leaving with Ashley someone gave him a high five – I hope it was his buddy giving him some skin after seeing the slut he’s about to take home and bang like a Salvation Army Drum.
Wowsa, the real big shocker of the night – Amber M. sends Ailea home for throwing in a kick while she was on the ground… the for being a dumb bitch in general. And textbook Amber M. makes a cunt comment to Amber B. as Ailea was heading up the stairs to pack her bags.

Dear Ailea,
You don’t have to go home, but yer gonna have to get the fuck out of here.
Kisses,
Amber M.

Ugh, next week looks rough folks. An entire 30 minutes of the Amber Show… I think instead I’ll cut off my testicles then hang myself.

A More Forgiving Review (Now With Power Rankings!) at Yer Boy

That's Assault, Brothah

Today was a big day in the NFL Offseason. The Winter/Spring Champions the Washington Redskins continue their trend of overspending and not holding the Lombardi Trophy. Albert Haynesworth received the largest contract for a defensive player ever, getting 7 years $100 millions ($41 guaranteed). Has anyone else done their homework? This guys hasn't started 16 games his whole career, and has only appeared in all 16 his rookie year. Granted he's been a beast the last two season, but let's not forget that this guy shouldn't even be in the league. HE STOMPED ON A MAN'S HEAD! Remember American History X? It was like that except half as graphic. If he was in the real world he would be serving a jail sentence.

In other big NFL news longtime Eagle Brian Dawkins is headed to the Broncos, and Bart Scott is now a B-R-T-S, Bretts, Bretts, Bretts... I mean Jet.There was also some shake up when literally out of nowhere Kellen Winslow was shipped to Tampa for some 'undisclosed draft picks'. Personal problems aside, he's still a helluva tight end now on a team with no quarterback.
Other big name free agents not to move today are TJ Hoosyourmomma (Championship) and after his wish to be released Marvin Harrison. My best guess is that the Eagles will make a pretty hard bid for both of these guys, Housh is a great receiver and someone that McNabb needs. I see Marvin going there too, not only was he college teammates with Donovan, but Philly also where he lives and registers his guns.

Kitty Just Got a Helluva Lot Easier to Bag

Yesterday Professional Quarterback (and Professional Stud) Tom Brady got married to long time girlfriend Gisele Bunchden. What the fuck was The Golden Boy thinking? If I'm not mistaken, he could just walk into a bar and every chick in there would be ready to jump his bones. Not only that, but he might have the most potent sperm in the bigs. He knocked up two of his girlfriends in the same year, his sperm is boasting a higher completion percentage than he does. At that rate, conservatively by the year 2015 he could field an entire football team of Brady's. This is every man's fantasy, how has this not been a dream of his since getting in the league? The team would essentially be like lining up against 11 football robots. I can see it now, him making 5 of his sons just eat their weight in meatballs to make them linemen... they'd be unstoppable (unless someone went for the knees... to soon?).
I guess in all fairness though, with the Golden Boy tied up, it sure as hell makes bagging kitty a lot easier for regular guys. I'm gonna be frank here too, I'm never going to blame a guy for putting this on lock down.

Rarely Heard, but Always Feared

I can't tell which is more embarrassing for Eddie Murphy - the fact that he tried to pick up a tranny hooker in '97 or that he released a song called Party All the Time. Or maybe it's laundry list of horse shit movies he's made since Boomerang in '92. Really the only redeeming quality of this video is that there's a blonde Rick James.



RIP Rick James

Tearin' Up My Hart

Today is pretty much one of the greatest days of the year, the Brewers played their first official Spring Training game and subsequently I've had an erection for the last 17 hours. It was a 3-3 tie with the A's and Jeff Suppan continued his trend of being the most unreliable man making $12 million. But there's a more pressing issue when it comes to this year's Brewers. It seems that the last few seasons we've been the team with an absolutely stacked Farm System that was just ready to rise. Well now that System is up in the Bigs and they all have at least 2 years of Major League experience - including a playoff run under their belts. This is around the time when you begin to realize that this team is a lot like the rise of *NSYNC.
They even match up Man for Man. Prince Fielder is comparable to Joey Fatone - both have perfect facial hair and both have the ability to eat their weight in hoagies. I look at JJ Hardy as JC Chasez - both are not really the star of the group, but JJ is quietly one of the best Short Stops in the game - while JC is currently a judge on America's Best Dance Crew. Rickie Weeks is the Lance Bass of the group - he's the gentle pretty boy... both will let a hang-nail get in the way of recognizing their potential. The most obvious comparison is Ryan Braun to Justin Timberlake - both are the young studs of the group who will go on to be the top performers in the game. Both have a certain douche quality to them, yet you just can't seem to stay mad at. And last... and probably least in both accounts Corey Hart is Chris Kirkpatrick.
There are a lot more comparisons here. For starts both are the eldest of their respective groups. Corey Hart will soon be 27 making him almost a full year older than the Farm System Brewers - and while most of *NSYNC was getting ready to hit 18, Mr. Kirkpatrick was having flashbacks from proudly serving his country in Vietnam. Neither are strong finishers either. All Star Corey Hart finished the season batting a phenomenal .173 in September, including a .239 clip since the Mid Summer Classic. After his days of singing like a girl and hobnobbing with JT - Kirkpatrick went on to... to... get made fun of in the Eminem song Without Me. Don't worry kids though Chris has a steady job (according to Wikipedia.org) on Nickleodeon's The Fairly Odd Parents and can be heard on an Orlando Morning Radio Show... as a guest.
I'm hoping the Hart can shake the Kirkpatrick in him, so Corey doesn't end up doing the baseball equivalent of Gone Country Season 2. My worry is in his scouting reports. The two I read from when he was coming up were the same - great guy, works hard, but gets tired at the end of the season. With the departure of Ben Sheets and CC Sabathia, many have questioned our starting rotation. The 2009 Brewers are going to need Corey Hart in All Star form, not Kirkpatrick form.

So New! Musings From this Week in the Bad Girls Club

It's Tuesday, 9 pm, I'm wearing a stolen Calgary Flames jersey and my companion is a Caffeine Free Diet Coke... it must be time for Bad Girl's Club. Although it's a Mortal Sin to admit, I missed last week's BGC so luckily Oxygen alleviated my pains by showing last week's explosive episode at 8. There was some stiff competition for the BGC this week as well, both Black to the Future and the latest episode of From G's to Gents was also running at the same time, luckily my love for the drama on Oxygen can not be rivaled.
One of the more common themes in this season of the BGC is The Amber's vs. The Fab 5 - which thus far has been a bout on par with Ali - Frazier II. It's just ridiculous, the Amber's continue to talk behind people's backs and make constant snide remarks that inevitably start fights. Amber M. has really become Queen Cunt, she's essentially the Stevie Wonder of lies and manipulation - if you say you have a favorite Amber M. fight - you're lying because they're all gold.
The other story that's been irking me as far as the BGC is the place of Ailea in the mix. Is she a 'Bad Girl' because she's banging some 40... I mean 60 year old man? Because there are plenty of old ladies that would then be the Baddest Bitches on the Planet. She's also become more consistent than Teddy Ballgame when it comes to fighting etiquette. Every time something breaks out (which is about twice an episode... it's really become more reliable than gravity) she decides to become a bad girl by not acting until the violence is finished then start to yell while being held back after the fact. How did she make the cut? On the other hand of this fight talk is Tiffany who has been laying down more beats than Afrika Bombaataa. She's built like a linebacker and rocking Marb Reds like they're going out of style. Who are these chicks in the club going, 'Hey, see that chick over there? No... Ray Lewis in the dress that's burning dirt, let's go starts something.'
Anywho, back to Ailea - this week she's finally done something that is deserving of the title Bad Girl. This week she decided to throw Gramps temporarily to the curb and take Fadoodle (thanks Trace)... I mean Fazil home for the night. I'm gonna be honest Ailea - the Amber's have been taking guys home like catching the Clap is the new hottest fad - it's episode 10 and you're finally taking some sausage home, you still have some work to do.
Pretty great week (seeing as I got a double dose) and next week it looks like the Club is heading to some porn premiere then to Costa Rica where... as expected... a fight breaks out inside the Club. Translation: next week is going to be rawer than JJ Hardy... well maybe not because JJ Hardy is Raw as Hell.

To, Melissa... Marisa Tomei

Dear Academy,
What the fuck were you thinking? It's bad enough to give Slumdog Millionaire Best Picture, but why screw Mickey Rourke? His speech accepting the Independent Spirit Award for Best Actor alone should've taken him home the gold. I mean the man gives a shout out to Eric Roberts... Eric Fucking Roberts, then continues through a badass cuss filled ramble in which he forgets everyone's names. Posted below is the video evidence.
Signed, Mickey Rourke's Publicist

And the Razzie Goes To...

So after watching the Badgers piss another game away I started to think about what else I was going to do with my life tonight. Then I remembered it's the Academy Awards... basically a giant Hollywood Circle Jerk that I of course will watch - and inevitably enjoy. I've seen all the movies and major nominated roles so here I will do my best to guess. I'll say who would win if I was picking the winners (I'm really not sure why I'm not) and then who will probably win.

If I Picked the Winners
Best Supporting Actress - Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona (I should have picked this category by putting the names on a dart board and throwing it blindly.)
Best Supporting Actor - Josh Brolin, Milk (to be completely honest this is Heath Ledger's award, I just think it's a completely one note performance. Sure it was good but the caliber of performance needed to play Dan White perfectly in Milk is higher than needed for The Joker)
Best Actress - Melissa Leo, Frozen River (for a small art house pic I was surprised to see Leo nominated - but it is the best performance by an actress this year.)
Best Actor - Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler (this is any one's award, Rourke, Penn, Langella, and Jenkins all deserve the award... and I'm actually pulling for Richard Jenkins, but Rourke's tour de force as The Ram needs to be recognized)
Best Director - David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (actually the best achievement in directing this year is probably Ron Howard for Frost/Nixon - because he turned 4 conversations into one of the more exciting movies of the year. I just think from a technical perspective David Fincher crafted an absolutely gorgeous movie. Even though it's a little too long Ben Button has a style all it's own that is classic Fincher and it really is a well deserved award)
Best Picture - Frost/Nixon (even though I would vote The Wrestler - it wasn't nominated. As I mentioned earlier this is one of the more thrilling movies I saw this year, and is sitting at #2 (behind The Wrestler) on my Best of the 2008 List)

What Will Probably Win
Best Supporting Actress - Viola Davis, Doubt (once again - dart board)
Best Supporting Actor - Heath Deadger, The Dark Knight (see what I did there?)
Best Actress - Kate Winslet, The Reader (it's hard to bet against Meryl Streep, but after 6 noms I think this is Winslet's year)
Best Actor - Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler (I almost put Sean Penn, but Rourke was just too good.)
Best Director - Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire (everyone is super wet for this movie and I just don't understand it)
Best Picture - Slumdog Millionaire (I actually got pissed off typing that. Slumdog might be one of the more overrated movies I've seen in a long time, it's essentially the Terrell Owens of the movie world. Sure it's 2/3 of one of the more original movies in a while, but the end just slips into every fucking cliche love story ever made. If this takes home gold (which it will) it's like when Shakespeare in Love won over Saving Private Ryan, Thin Red Line and Life is Beautiful, or if (I mean when) the Bucks make the playoffs under .500 and then win the title... it just makes no God damned sense.

And in honor of Slumdog probably winning The Oscar - this post won't have a legitimate ending either.

An Ode to Voytek

I'll be honest the thought of Bears in the Military scares the shit out of me. Think about it - giants paws, razor sharp teeth made for nothing more than ripping you apart - they're Godless killing machines... I just got the chills. Well, apparently folks, it's real. In WWII the Polish had a Bear working for them and with one thing, and one thing only on its mind - Eating Nazis.
So now, the Ode to Voytek the Nazi Eating Bear.

Superb Work Samberg

It's been pretty well documented the Saturday Night Live has been nothing but trash for a long time. Luckily Andy Samberg has been hard at work trying to change that. This is another great Digital Short out of them including rapping about a boat and an 'ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!' reference.

Previously on 24...

So being abroad as I've painfully mentioned several times has left me with a giant gap in my life - a void that was previously filled by Jack Bauer. Now that I've returned to the States I can catch up. So in honor of the First Episode I've kept a running diary.
Events Occur in Real Time
1:29 pm - perusing FOX.com for 24 full episodes - with all the Bones and American Dad shit all over the place is there really a better indicator of how terrible a station FOX has become? I'm just glad they canned Firefly and Arrested Development to let gold like Hell's Kitchen make the air.
1:31 pm - Textbook 24 beginning - I could write one - give me Joe Everyman doing something that everyone does, then out of nowhere terrorists (or the Russians/Chinese/Insert Country that Hates Us) abducts someone... and usually quite brutally.
1:35 pm - Nice Kurtwood Smith in the sho... oh, God first shot of Jack and I need new boxers. Anyhow back to Kurtwood Smith - he seems to turn up in everything lately - apparently he (according to his imdb page) even plays Hitler this year in an animated short called All in the Bunker. Side Note: is his best role the bad guy in RoboCop? He's been making a great living off playing the same exact character since then... that or Griggs in Rambo III.
1:38 pm - I love that it's basically a crucifiction for Jack - this is the US Government right? Don't you think they'd have a dossier like the one Willard reads about Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now? Just essentially 50 some pages summing up the 6 Hellacious days he's gone through SAVING AMERICA.
1:41 pm - Is that Billy from Entourage? And what the fuck is Janeane Garofalo doing in this season - if she's the new Chloe I'm going to be pissed (for reasons other than being forced to change the name of the blog).
1:44 pm - Walking into the FBI Agent Moss cocks off to Jack Bauer. I repeat - he cocked off to Jack Bauer.
1:48pm - Ok, this is just ludicrious - I figured there'd be the classic 24 loophole in which the explained how Tony was still alive - but why because he's bad now does he have to have that awful (and wildly cliche) 'pencil-thin bad guy mustache'.
1:51 pm - Madam President - woof. Couldn't the first woman President be a little more attractive?
2:00 pm - Just checked out Tony Almeida's (Carlos Bernard's) imdb page - other than 24 it is a little bleak. He must be thanking his lucky stars every day that they decided to bring Tony back.
2:09 pm - Ok, this Agent Moss guy is a douche, and why is there no one in the FBI aware of who Jack Bauer is? There's got to be files that include at least 2 of the last 6 seasons. It's like it's some kind of Bizarro World where all the Nukes and Terrorists he's taken down have just been swept under the rug... I mean did they forget? It's Jack Fucking Bauer.
2:17 pm - Ok nice that this chick is letting Jack work not like that douche Moss, also another classic 24 moment - right as someone's about to talk they get murdered because apparently extracting information is never that easy.
2:18pm - Pretty weak running diary out of me to start Day 7, but I was bored and really didn't care, so. Pretty decent start to Day 7... but then again 6 had one of the better starts in 24 history (nukes, Jack biting a guy's throat out, Curtis getting killed) and ended up being T-R-B-L Tarrible.

Ahhhh, Yes, Ze Germans

I'll be honest, when I heard that Quentin Tarantino was remaking the Italian WWII Revenge Flick Inglorious Bastards (calling it Inglorious Basterds) it's safe to say my pants got a little tighter. Now there's a trailer online... and because I'm really not sure how to put it in the post - I'll throw you over to filmdrunk.com.
Alright folks, Set Erections to Stun:
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/?p=9791#more-9791

Movie Critic: The Reader

Let's go through the things that make the Academy Super Wet:
1. A Period Piece
2. A K(C)ate (Winslet or Blanchett)
3. Nazis
4. A Fiennes Brother
Going down this check list for The Reader
1. Spans from '58-'95
2. Kate Winslet
3. At least 6 Nazis
4. Ralph Fiennes (the Fienner of the two, if you will)
Before this was released you had to assume minimum 3 - maximum 7 Oscar Nods coming for this movie. Ends up it got 5, so right where we'd assume, now saying that this is a movie the Academy would love usually puts the casually movie goer to sleep - but I'll say this, I loved it too.
The movie starts with the early relationship between Hanna (Winslet) and 15 year-old Michael (the phenomenal David Kross - where's his Nod?) and their sexual escapades. The first 45 minutes of this movie no one is really clothed. I actually had to look at my watch to make sure that it was in fact 4 o'clock in the afternoon and I was in a movie theatre, not 11 at night at home watching Cinemax. I lost count after the 213,845 time I saw at least one of Kate Winslet's nipples... not to mention some solid male full frontal thrown in there too. They have sex, then Michael reads to her, and this goes on for a few months until Hanna is promoted and has to move - leaving Michael abruptly.
We next find Michael and Hanna together, but this time in a courtroom. Michael as a young law student and Hannah as an Ex-Nazi on trial. This is where the film really gains it's legs and starts to ask the moral questions that are really at it's core. Hanna's shameful secrets become obvious during the trial, Michael knows that secret - that although do not atone for what she's done - will definitely affect the sentencing... yet remains silent. She hurt him, he hurt her. The characters also from here on gain a real depth and you start to really feel for both of them.
Although many of the reviews I've read have called this just another 'Holocaust Movie' (which it's not), or just 'Soft-Core Pornography Disguised as a Sermon' (which is also not true). It's a movie about people, whether it's a middle aged bus worker with a shameful secret and even darker past, or a lonely shut off lawyer scorned by a woman while in his teens. This is a movie about morals and the way humans interact and affect the lives of each other... plus Kate Winslet gets naked a bunch of times.
The Reader - 4/5 Stars

Shorter (and differing opinion) Review at http://www.yerboyjohnnycastle.blogspot.com