Bahstan, Barf, Cunts and Compton - Musings From This Week in the Bad Girl's Club

It's Tuesday, 9 pm, I'm wearing the same clothes I went out in last night and my companion is a Caffeine Free Diet Coke... it must be time for Bad Girl's Club. Once again I dropped the ball last week and missed the BGC so I’m covering both episodes – the final and the all important reunion show. One of the opening moments of the final episode is Oxygen giving us a treat by finally showing us the infamous Scott. He was a lot like Bigfoot to BGC fans, you’ve heard stories about him, but until you actually see him you don’t believe he exists… and Scott did not disappoint. He’s a body builder and looks roughly like a tan Trace in a Banana Hammock.
Nice going around banging random Mexican guys has come back to bite Sarah in the ass. Her and Noah ‘Broke Up’… naturally I put Broke Up in quotations because they weren’t even going out, yet Noah acts like his wife of 16 years is running away with his best friend. She was not feeling the strain as much because in the next scene she’s on a boat and her and Amber B. decide to flash another boat just because they’re whores. Another unintentional comedy moment happened on this boat as well – because it was one of their last nights together they naturally decided to take slutty pictures of each other while on a boat while Emo music plays in the background.
Later in the episode Tiffany’s ‘Brother’ came out to the house and visit the NFL Linebacker, and shit got real. All Amber M. talked about was how excited she was to ‘bounce up on it’, and as he showed up and went to her bedroom the relationship quickly went sour. As Amber M. slowly nestled her head between his legs and right on top of his penis, Amber M. feels that she was inappropriately touched at some point. She brought this up to Tiff at the last supper and a fight ensued. The best part of this is the professional cooks awkwardly hanging out in the background listening to this cat fight. In the middle of this all they cut to commercials and showed one for the BGC Reunion show... and I went from 6 to Midnight. But I digress, another great thing is the Bad Girls Club yoga pants that the girls are wearing - Tiffany’s say ‘Cranky’, and Amber M.’s say ‘Classy’ – Amber’s are lying. They somewhat make up and because they’re Bad Girls they decided to trash the mansion like they’re the USA Hockey Team. And just because Oxygen hates me they showed one last quick episode of The Amber Show. God, The Amber Show makes me want to kill an infant. And now this season is over… or is it? Coming up next is the Reunion Show.

The reunion show is hosted by Perez Hilton, which although I had reservations about – ended up being pretty good as a host. Within 5 minutes of the start of the show shit got real. Who would have guess that the e-mail questions to Amber M. of ‘were there every times when you wanted to leave the house?’ would have sparked such a great fight between Amber M. and Tiffany. The best is Sarah pipes in for a while, then said ‘A bad girl never apologizes’, God, this is fucking awesome!
The top two shocks of the night so far are
1. Whitney has been on-air for more than 5 minutes and has not dropped that she’s from Bahstan.
2. Perez Hilton just dropped the word ‘Barf’.
Kayla comes out and almost without missing a step she gets in a fight with Ashley – note: a girl she’s never met – and once again shit got real. Just from Kayla alone Compton sounds scary, not the nice place that NWA came straight outta.
I hate the fact that Amber M. won the fan favorite voted, God Damnit I hate her. Nice that Perez and Oxygen have brought all the boys back, Greg, Noah and Fadoodle and basically threw Ailea under the bus for being the hooker she was. Right in the middle of Perez calling the girls out for slutting around Sarah drops yet another gem with, ‘Everyone gets a little slutty in Cancun’… perfect.
Another big two shocks of the night
3. Boston might not even be from Boston
4. Ashley is now celibate… what the fuck? I think my head just exploded.
So now Bad Girls Club season 3 is over, we’ve had some laughs, some cries, and just been all around appalled that there are people like this who actually exist in the world. G’s to Gents is starting too, I’m really going to need some bad reality television to hold me off for BGC Season 4.

Spike Jonze Continues His Trend of Pure Unadulterated Awesomeness

Where the Wild Things Are is a movie that everyone who has ever been 8 is waiting for. Then when I heard Spike Jonze was attached I could've just bought the tickets right then. Here is the trailer and just as expected - it looks badass.

This is Essentially What I Did With Legos as a Kid

We've all seen and loved and been creeped out by Silence of the Lambs. Somehow it's a little more weird with Lego toys singing to each other.

I Dunno Daaaaaaavey

I'll say it - I love the World Baseball Classic. I wanted the good ol' US of A to roll through every team we faced and take home the title. Seeing as baseball was eliminated from the Olympics - this is essentially like winning the Gold and would instill a massive amount of American Pride... if it wasn't for Davey Johnson... and American Pride. This was a competition, just about every other team looked at the WBC as an opportunity to play baseball proudly wearing their country's name across their chest, that is every team but the US who for some apparent reason treated this as a glorified Spring Training. I'm really not blaming all of the players who gave what they could, I'm blaming Davey Johnson. If people thought Ned Yost did an awful job of in game management - I'll let them watch the DVR'd USA games at my house and show you what an abysmal manager looks like.
Let's look at the examples, let's start with the embarrassing 11-1 loss to Puerto Rico. Many people will put this on Jake Peavy - and he was awful - he struggled to find the strike zone for his entire outing, and when Davey Johnson was asked why he left his starter out there to rot his response was, 'I wanted him to reach his 52.' His 52? I thought we were going to treat this as a tournament... not a Spring Training start against the other team's AAA guys. This is team Puerto Rico with 22 Major Leagers, guess what happens when you let a guy 'reach his 52', he gets shelled and his confidence gets shaken. Peavy was not the same the rest of the Classic and everyone started doubting Team USA.
Then it comes to Johnson's insistence to play Derek Jeter no matter what the situation. Now I understand that he's the Captain of the team, and plays on 'America's Team', but why when you have Jimmy Rollins on the bench in a close game do you not make a defensive substitution. Does anyone really think that Jeter is a better Shortstop than Rollins? No, because you're basically admitting that you're either a Yankee's fan or rode the short bus to school.
But let's get to last nights Mud Stomping at the hands of Team Japan. Was Japan a better team than us? On pitching alone, Yes. Could we have won that game? Probably. I'll be honest too, the defense of the team and specifically the Big Donkey didn't help the cause but the management of this game was just atrocious. I'm talking mostly about Roy Oswalt and managing the later innings. Right as Oswalt started to falter I looked at my buddy and said, 'are we planning on taking him out soon, or just let him get pounded until they reach 6 runs?' Davey Johnson did just that. Every pitch Oswalt put over the plate was driven into a gap and as Adam Dunn gingerly jogged to the ball, run after run crossed the plate. But this is a resilient US team, just like in the last elimination game against Puerto Rico we started to come back. Mark DeRosa doubles to left scoring Braun and McCann 6-4 Japan. Then DeRosa gets to third on an error with Curtis Granderson coming up to bat. This is the perfect situation for the Tigers' Outfielder, right-handed pitcher and a left-handed batter with some pop with gale force winds out to right. But what's this? Someone's walking to the plate... and they're not black and skinny? Naturally in that situation you pinch hit Evan Longoria for Granderson. I mean it makes complete sense - take the lefty out for righty on righty and let's put in a guy who hasn't taken a hack in all of the WBC. Surprising no one but Davey Johnson Longoria strikes out to end the US threat and then the wheels just fell off from there, Jeter has an error and Dunn just plain stopped playing defense.
Team USA showed some real signs of brilliance in the WBC, and in the hands of a competant manager really could of made some noise. You wonder why when they scanned the ball parks there were more Japanese, Venezualan, or Puerto Rican fans in the stands than US? Maybe it's time we had a manager who took the World Baseball Classic seriously instead of just hoping that a guy 'reaches his 52.'

A New Low

It's no secret now, us Men are a proud race. That's why we constantly put wagers on things... plus degenerate gambling is really badass. This past week (with the introduction of the KFC Famous Bowl and Drink for $2.99) we've started wagering food on casual golf games. I was giddy like a school girl when after 18 holes I had earned 2 Famous Bowls (and subsequently 2 medium drinks). This food gambling did not quit, like junkies we kept upping the odds... until we came upon the greatest fast food menu item of all time. We've all heard of and enjoyed the McDonald's 'Surf and Turf' in which you split a Double Cheeseburger in half and place a Fillet O'Fish in the middle... it's genius. But then I heard about the McGangBang. It's essentially a heart attack between 2 buns, but yet it's extremely fiscally responsible. You take a Double Cheese and a McChicken, split the Che and place the Chicken inside. I'll include a picture those those nonbelievers, but let me tell you folks, this is a great off menu item. Essentially for $2.10 you're getting extremely full and ensuring that you won't live past 57. So now, I present to you...
The McGangBang

Booze, Brawls, Cookies and Carl Yastrzemski... Musings From This Week in the Bad Girls Club

It's Tuesday, 9 pm, I'm wearing a Badger’s Tuxedo T-Shirt and my companion is a Caffeine Free Diet Coke... it must be time for Bad Girl's Club. Once again last week I made the ultimate sacrifice and missed Bad Girls Club in favor of hanging out with a friend who was leaving for a month, so this will be longer to cover the last two weeks of BGC. Last week started with the girls going to the premiere of Pirates 2 – a sequel to a porn that I once saw at Blockbuster… so it’s got to be good. I love the absolute high horse Amber B. is on – talking about how shameful it is to be a porn star and how she’d never do that because she doesn’t want to embarrass her family. I hate to break it to you sweet heart, but you’re on a show called the Bad Girls Club in which YOU DRINK EVERY NIGHT AND WHORE IT UP ALL OVER LOS ANGELES… I’m not sure how much less your parents can think of you.
On an interesting side note: she then found a male porn star and proceeded to fondle his package.
Tiffany had maybe one of the better quotes of the show so far, and it probably should’ve been the title of this post, ‘I’m not fucking with the Mexican Police’. That ladies and gentlemen is a quote to live by. I also love the preview for Oxygen’s next mega hit - Pretty Wicked: The Search for Inner Beauty… I’d hate to ruin the surprise – but I guarantee none of the girls find it.
I love that they make Mexico look like some type of Hedonistic Paradise – full of free booze and hats that look like penises made of balloons. If Mexico is really like this, I’ll never understand why hundred of people risk their lives daily to leave. Also walking into those hotels, what have these girls done to deserve any of this? I also love their constant screaming at the top of their lungs as the walk around in guffaw at the ridiculously nice hotel, there’s got to be someone in the hotel wondering if somewhere 8 women are being brutally murdered.
At lunch the next day they Fab Five jumped on the Amber's and this encounter had two quotes that were absolutely phenomenal. The first comes from Amber M. showing her true colors as people were calling out Amber B. for things, telling the members of the Fab Five, ‘Why are you guys acting that way towards me… if it’s just her you don’t like’. Great work sweat heart, I’ll never know what ma boy Trace sees in you. The other one is from Tiffany and might go in the Pantheon of Reality TV Quotes – threatening the Amber's, ‘I will cut chy’all’. That was spelled out phonetically obviously, and Tiffany is not someone to fuck with… I mean, she just threatened to cut two of her roommates. Also I continue to hate Ailea more and more, plus she just used the phrase, ‘I could care less’… it’s ‘I couldn’t care less’ you stupid Jurassic Cock loving cunt.
Random commercial that is fantastic – the birth control pill that is called Yaz. How unhappy is Carl Yastrzemski with this? I love a birth control named after one of the greatest left handed hitters of all time, I can’t wait for Pete Rose Condoms and Pete Schmidt Diaphragms. But I digress. I love how disappointed Ashley and Sarah are that they didn’t win some stupid Wet Body Contest. How can Oxygen let this happen? Isn’t the point of the show to have them be the biggest whores in the club – they didn’t let that happen. And then it happened… Amber M. just got jumped by the girls – SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

So the new episode starts and there’s something I’ve been meaning to get off my chest for a while – what is with all the make-up Amber B. wears? Don’t get me wrong, I’d still let her be inside me, I’m just saying that sometimes she looks like a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Back to the fight – how weak. There was one discernible kick, and some hair pulling. If I was Boston I would’ve knocked Amber M. the fuck out… then again I was kicked off the first season of From G’s to Gents after 17 minutes because I was too hard and my theme song is Straight Outta Compton. Moment of unintentional comedy – after being looked at by the doctors there’s emo music playing while Amber M. is getting a prescription for pain killers and anti inflammatory – as if she was in any real danger.
The Mexican police show up to the hotel to gather statements and just be the menacing Mexican police in general and immediately the girls treat the officers like they’re members of the Gestapo. Also every single girl in the BGC would be a terrible mobster, and the first sign of heat from the fuzz they folded like a house of cards on each other. Big shocker from the night – Boston being sent home… and naturally to follow was a rant with the Boston accent that tends to come or go – usually determined by the amount of booze she has inhaled. I love during all this Ashley talking shit about Amber M. even though she’s been there roughly 3 weeks.
Another unintentional comedy moment – right before the commercial break Oxygen promised, ‘When we come back more Lying, Drinking, and Sex’… you had me at ‘Sluts’. And speaking of Ashley and sex – great when they were leaving Yven had a sweat stain on the back of his grey v-neck that was in the shape of a penis. And nice as he was leaving with Ashley someone gave him a high five – I hope it was his buddy giving him some skin after seeing the slut he’s about to take home and bang like a Salvation Army Drum.
Wowsa, the real big shocker of the night – Amber M. sends Ailea home for throwing in a kick while she was on the ground… the for being a dumb bitch in general. And textbook Amber M. makes a cunt comment to Amber B. as Ailea was heading up the stairs to pack her bags.

Dear Ailea,
You don’t have to go home, but yer gonna have to get the fuck out of here.
Kisses,
Amber M.

Ugh, next week looks rough folks. An entire 30 minutes of the Amber Show… I think instead I’ll cut off my testicles then hang myself.

A More Forgiving Review (Now With Power Rankings!) at Yer Boy