It's Tuesday, 9 pm, I'm wearing a Badger’s Tuxedo T-Shirt and my companion is a Caffeine Free Diet Coke... it must be time for Bad Girl's Club. Once again last week I made the ultimate sacrifice and missed Bad Girls Club in favor of hanging out with a friend who was leaving for a month, so this will be longer to cover the last two weeks of BGC. Last week started with the girls going to the premiere of Pirates 2 – a sequel to a porn that I once saw at Blockbuster… so it’s got to be good. I love the absolute high horse Amber B. is on – talking about how shameful it is to be a porn star and how she’d never do that because she doesn’t want to embarrass her family. I hate to break it to you sweet heart, but you’re on a show called the Bad Girls Club in which YOU DRINK EVERY NIGHT AND WHORE IT UP ALL OVER LOS ANGELES… I’m not sure how much less your parents can think of you.
On an interesting side note: she then found a male porn star and proceeded to fondle his package.
Tiffany had maybe one of the better quotes of the show so far, and it probably should’ve been the title of this post, ‘I’m not fucking with the Mexican Police’. That ladies and gentlemen is a quote to live by. I also love the preview for Oxygen’s next mega hit - Pretty Wicked: The Search for Inner Beauty… I’d hate to ruin the surprise – but I guarantee none of the girls find it.
I love that they make Mexico look like some type of Hedonistic Paradise – full of free booze and hats that look like penises made of balloons. If Mexico is really like this, I’ll never understand why hundred of people risk their lives daily to leave. Also walking into those hotels, what have these girls done to deserve any of this? I also love their constant screaming at the top of their lungs as the walk around in guffaw at the ridiculously nice hotel, there’s got to be someone in the hotel wondering if somewhere 8 women are being brutally murdered.
At lunch the next day they Fab Five jumped on the Amber's and this encounter had two quotes that were absolutely phenomenal. The first comes from Amber M. showing her true colors as people were calling out Amber B. for things, telling the members of the Fab Five, ‘Why are you guys acting that way towards me… if it’s just her you don’t like’. Great work sweat heart, I’ll never know what ma boy Trace sees in you. The other one is from Tiffany and might go in the Pantheon of Reality TV Quotes – threatening the Amber's, ‘I will cut chy’all’. That was spelled out phonetically obviously, and Tiffany is not someone to fuck with… I mean, she just threatened to cut two of her roommates. Also I continue to hate Ailea more and more, plus she just used the phrase, ‘I could care less’… it’s ‘I couldn’t care less’ you stupid Jurassic Cock loving cunt.
Random commercial that is fantastic – the birth control pill that is called Yaz. How unhappy is Carl Yastrzemski with this? I love a birth control named after one of the greatest left handed hitters of all time, I can’t wait for Pete Rose Condoms and Pete Schmidt Diaphragms. But I digress. I love how disappointed Ashley and Sarah are that they didn’t win some stupid Wet Body Contest. How can Oxygen let this happen? Isn’t the point of the show to have them be the biggest whores in the club – they didn’t let that happen. And then it happened… Amber M. just got jumped by the girls – SHIT JUST GOT REAL.
So the new episode starts and there’s something I’ve been meaning to get off my chest for a while – what is with all the make-up Amber B. wears? Don’t get me wrong, I’d still let her be inside me, I’m just saying that sometimes she looks like a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Back to the fight – how weak. There was one discernible kick, and some hair pulling. If I was Boston I would’ve knocked Amber M. the fuck out… then again I was kicked off the first season of From G’s to Gents after 17 minutes because I was too hard and my theme song is Straight Outta Compton. Moment of unintentional comedy – after being looked at by the doctors there’s emo music playing while Amber M. is getting a prescription for pain killers and anti inflammatory – as if she was in any real danger.
The Mexican police show up to the hotel to gather statements and just be the menacing Mexican police in general and immediately the girls treat the officers like they’re members of the Gestapo. Also every single girl in the BGC would be a terrible mobster, and the first sign of heat from the fuzz they folded like a house of cards on each other. Big shocker from the night – Boston being sent home… and naturally to follow was a rant with the Boston accent that tends to come or go – usually determined by the amount of booze she has inhaled. I love during all this Ashley talking shit about Amber M. even though she’s been there roughly 3 weeks.
Another unintentional comedy moment – right before the commercial break Oxygen promised, ‘When we come back more Lying, Drinking, and Sex’… you had me at ‘Sluts’. And speaking of Ashley and sex – great when they were leaving Yven had a sweat stain on the back of his grey v-neck that was in the shape of a penis. And nice as he was leaving with Ashley someone gave him a high five – I hope it was his buddy giving him some skin after seeing the slut he’s about to take home and bang like a Salvation Army Drum.
Wowsa, the real big shocker of the night – Amber M. sends Ailea home for throwing in a kick while she was on the ground… the for being a dumb bitch in general. And textbook Amber M. makes a cunt comment to Amber B. as Ailea was heading up the stairs to pack her bags.
Dear Ailea,
You don’t have to go home, but yer gonna have to get the fuck out of here.
Kisses,
Amber M.
Ugh, next week looks rough folks. An entire 30 minutes of the Amber Show… I think instead I’ll cut off my testicles then hang myself.
A More Forgiving Review (Now With Power Rankings!) at Yer Boy
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