Hef > Spencer

I have two apologies to write for this story...
1. Sorry that it's been a while Charles, I know you check these religiously and we've been slacking.
2. Sorry Trace that if you read this at work you might get a little too excited make an accident in your pants.
But I digress... 'news' has hit today that Heidi Montag might be in negotiations to pose for Playboy. Tyler Durden has the story here and make better jokes than I could attempt. Now I've never watched an episode of The Hills so this 'news' just angers me more an more if only because I don't understand why they're famous. I'll be honest, I'd rather listen to Amy Winehouse sing Barry White's greatest hits than ever have to listen to Heidi our her tool box of a boyfriend open their stupid spoiled yaps ever again. If there's a God in this world the plane carrying them to this photo shoot will go down with a vengeance. Or in an interesting turn of events she leaves Spencer and becomes one of Hef's new girlfriends... naturally leaving Spencer dateless as he shows up to accept his award for Biggest Douche in the Universe.

Surprised I Didn't See Myself

Everyone hates Hipsters... it's just a fact. Whether they're telling you about some band you'll never hear of, or wearing their sister's jeans with an ironic t-shirt... it's just unbearable. Some website has done a wonderful job of collecting a bunch of pictures of them for our entertainment. So now behold...

Hipster Douchebags-a-Plenty

Thank You, Jackie

In 1946 baseball genius and then Dodgers club president and general manager Branch Rickey broke one of baseball’s longest and most disgraceful unwritten rules by signing a talented young black shortstop from the Negro League Kansas City Monarchs to a minor league deal with the Montreal Royals. And on this day every year we celebrate one of the most important days in American history. On April 15th, 1947 Jackie Robinson started first base for the Brooklyn Dodgers. By breaking baseball’s color barrier Jackie Robinson had to be big, bigger than his Brooklyn teammates that drew up a petition to keep him off the ball club, bigger than the pitchers who threw at his head, and bigger than the base runners that dug their cleats shamelessly into his legs. He had to be bigger than the bench jockeys who yelled some of the most horrible racial epitaphs imaginable and insisted he carry their bags and shine their shoes. And bigger than the so-called fans who mocked him with mops on their heads and wrote him endless death threats. I can’t decide which is more impressive, that he was man enough to take this challenge… or that he was man enough not to give in and fight back. Today we honor Jackie Robinson being bigger than baseball, too many times in our society we throw around the word hero - Jackie Robinson is the definition of the word. It’s days like today and people like Branch Rickey that make me proud to be a baseball fan. But it’s the courage of men like Jackie Robinson that make me proud to be an American.

Movie Critic - Observe and Report

The story of Observe and Report is almost hard to explain... if only because it's all over the place. Seth Rogen plays Ronnie Barnardt, a mall rent-a-cop who believes he's in charge of protecting the mall at all costs. When a streaker and string of robberies hit the mall Ronnie springs into action, while actual cops (played by Ray Liotta) actually try and solve the crime. Add in Ronnie's attempt to become a legitimate cop and his borderline obsession with the blonde at the make-up counter Brandi (played by Anna Faris) makes this a jam packed 86 minutes.
Some of the problems in this movie is that it mixes fairly smart and dark humor with a lot of sophomoric jokes made for idiots. This was proven perfectly with the group of about 12 High School kids in the screening I saw who treated Seth Rogen and Aziz Ansari yelling 'Fuck You' back and forth like it was whit on par with Woody Allen. Once it got back to no dick and fart jokes the pricks continued to talk and be obnoxious the entire movie... it really has nothing to do with my review, I just cannot fucking stand when people do that.
But I digress... to the question that I thought about all movie - when did Anna Faris get hot? I remember during the Scary Movie series I could not stand her... it could be because she was staring in such hacky trash, but she didn't seem all that attractive or funny. Now she really hasn't done that many great movies since (sans Brokeback Mountain) but in interviews she's actually been fairly funny and is actually fairly hot now - so I can let it slide. She steals several scenes, and is actually pretty good in this role. Most of the supporting cast is good though including Michael Pena in a change of pace for him, and Danny McBride with a great quick cameo.
But performances aside this movie is an absolute hot mess, there is no way around it. Director Jody Hill takes us all over the place with no real purpose until the last half or so. The most frustrating part about Hill's direction is that he's proven he's competent with good material, Foot Fist Way is extremely underrated and he's directed several episodes of HBO's fantastic comedy Eastbound and Down. But the tone jumps all over the place - but then again, it could also be because it seems he's trying to make Paul Blart: Mall Cop meets Taxi Driver.

Even with my qualms with the pacing and tone, this movie is damn funny. And as much as the first half drags and meanders, the second half is enjoyable and down right hilarious. Seth Rogen plays a different role in this, instead of the lovable loser, he plays the awkward and borderline likable loser. He hits most the right notes, and as I said earlier, if it weren't for the last half (especially the last 15-20 minutes) this movie would be an absolute train wreck.
Observe and Report has a running time of 86 minutes, and is Rated R for pervasive language, graphic nudity, drug use, sexual content and violence.
All over the place, but still funny - Observe and Report squeaks by with 3 out of 5 Stars.

2009 MLB Predictions

I usually like to look at people's year predictions, so I'll post mine (so I can then either gloat or be made fun of). Should be a helluva season... but I say that every year. So here... we... go...

AL East : Red Sox
AL Central : Tigers
AL West : Angels
AL Wild Card : White Sox

AL Champion : BoSox

AL MVP : Miguel Cabrera
AL Cy Young : Jon Lester

NL East : Phillies
NL Central : Cubs
NL West : Dodgers
NL Wild Card : Marlins

NL Champ : Dodgers

NL MVP : Manny Ramirez
NL Cy Young : Johan Santana

World Series Champ : Dodgers

Just In Time for the National Championship

Ron Burgundy Interviews Roy Williams (UNC) from Ron Burgundy

Movie Critic - Death Race

This is a movie that is based off 1975's Death Race 2000, which is a movie that is exactly what it sounds. A race across the country in which David Carradine and Sly basically drive fast cars with guns and hit Old People and Women with them. Needless to say, it's fairly badass in that bad 70's movie sense. This takes a slightly different premise, the year is 2012 and the American Economy has failed completely (foreshadowing?) so prisons - now run by giant corporations - organize Death Races and air them to make money. As in every futuristic movie like this, naturally America eats it up, but gets bored so they have to keep making it more and more ridiculous.
Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson (hack) he once again sloppily throws a camera in random places and catches actors saying lines. Just like his style there are extreme close ups to the action and shaky camera work to 'add intesity', when in reality he's making up for his extremely shotty directing skills. Sharing the same name as Paul Thomas Anderson is a travesty, comparing Paul W.S. Anderson to PTA is like comparing Earvin 'Magic' Johnson to the Ervin Johnson who played for the Bucks. And once again PWSA fails to deliver as a director.
As for the star - Stath... it's safe to say he yet again mails this one in. Jason Statham plays the same character he's beeing playing since being cast in The Transporter (1-3), Crank, and what promises to be awful Crank: High Voltage. The worst part is... it's working for him, he's not bad in this, the border line retarded hardass is exactly what is needed for this role. As for the rest Ian McShane is actually pretty decent and Tyrese adds absolutely nothing while still not being too bad.
So here goes, I actually enjoyed this movie. Once again, playing on the 'movies so bad, they're good', it actually works. Although the premise of Death Race 2000 compared to this Death Race is much, much better, this works too. Never leaving the prison really gives it a confined scope to the movie that actually works. I'm going to be honest, it's nothing more than car racing and extreme violence... and sometimes that's really all you need.
Death Race is Rated R for Strong Language and Violence, and has a running time of 111 Minutes.
Death Race gets (as weird as it feels to say) a 3/5 Stars