That's Assault, Brothah

Today was a big day in the NFL Offseason. The Winter/Spring Champions the Washington Redskins continue their trend of overspending and not holding the Lombardi Trophy. Albert Haynesworth received the largest contract for a defensive player ever, getting 7 years $100 millions ($41 guaranteed). Has anyone else done their homework? This guys hasn't started 16 games his whole career, and has only appeared in all 16 his rookie year. Granted he's been a beast the last two season, but let's not forget that this guy shouldn't even be in the league. HE STOMPED ON A MAN'S HEAD! Remember American History X? It was like that except half as graphic. If he was in the real world he would be serving a jail sentence.

In other big NFL news longtime Eagle Brian Dawkins is headed to the Broncos, and Bart Scott is now a B-R-T-S, Bretts, Bretts, Bretts... I mean Jet.There was also some shake up when literally out of nowhere Kellen Winslow was shipped to Tampa for some 'undisclosed draft picks'. Personal problems aside, he's still a helluva tight end now on a team with no quarterback.
Other big name free agents not to move today are TJ Hoosyourmomma (Championship) and after his wish to be released Marvin Harrison. My best guess is that the Eagles will make a pretty hard bid for both of these guys, Housh is a great receiver and someone that McNabb needs. I see Marvin going there too, not only was he college teammates with Donovan, but Philly also where he lives and registers his guns.

Kitty Just Got a Helluva Lot Easier to Bag

Yesterday Professional Quarterback (and Professional Stud) Tom Brady got married to long time girlfriend Gisele Bunchden. What the fuck was The Golden Boy thinking? If I'm not mistaken, he could just walk into a bar and every chick in there would be ready to jump his bones. Not only that, but he might have the most potent sperm in the bigs. He knocked up two of his girlfriends in the same year, his sperm is boasting a higher completion percentage than he does. At that rate, conservatively by the year 2015 he could field an entire football team of Brady's. This is every man's fantasy, how has this not been a dream of his since getting in the league? The team would essentially be like lining up against 11 football robots. I can see it now, him making 5 of his sons just eat their weight in meatballs to make them linemen... they'd be unstoppable (unless someone went for the knees... to soon?).
I guess in all fairness though, with the Golden Boy tied up, it sure as hell makes bagging kitty a lot easier for regular guys. I'm gonna be frank here too, I'm never going to blame a guy for putting this on lock down.

Rarely Heard, but Always Feared

I can't tell which is more embarrassing for Eddie Murphy - the fact that he tried to pick up a tranny hooker in '97 or that he released a song called Party All the Time. Or maybe it's laundry list of horse shit movies he's made since Boomerang in '92. Really the only redeeming quality of this video is that there's a blonde Rick James.



RIP Rick James

Tearin' Up My Hart

Today is pretty much one of the greatest days of the year, the Brewers played their first official Spring Training game and subsequently I've had an erection for the last 17 hours. It was a 3-3 tie with the A's and Jeff Suppan continued his trend of being the most unreliable man making $12 million. But there's a more pressing issue when it comes to this year's Brewers. It seems that the last few seasons we've been the team with an absolutely stacked Farm System that was just ready to rise. Well now that System is up in the Bigs and they all have at least 2 years of Major League experience - including a playoff run under their belts. This is around the time when you begin to realize that this team is a lot like the rise of *NSYNC.
They even match up Man for Man. Prince Fielder is comparable to Joey Fatone - both have perfect facial hair and both have the ability to eat their weight in hoagies. I look at JJ Hardy as JC Chasez - both are not really the star of the group, but JJ is quietly one of the best Short Stops in the game - while JC is currently a judge on America's Best Dance Crew. Rickie Weeks is the Lance Bass of the group - he's the gentle pretty boy... both will let a hang-nail get in the way of recognizing their potential. The most obvious comparison is Ryan Braun to Justin Timberlake - both are the young studs of the group who will go on to be the top performers in the game. Both have a certain douche quality to them, yet you just can't seem to stay mad at. And last... and probably least in both accounts Corey Hart is Chris Kirkpatrick.
There are a lot more comparisons here. For starts both are the eldest of their respective groups. Corey Hart will soon be 27 making him almost a full year older than the Farm System Brewers - and while most of *NSYNC was getting ready to hit 18, Mr. Kirkpatrick was having flashbacks from proudly serving his country in Vietnam. Neither are strong finishers either. All Star Corey Hart finished the season batting a phenomenal .173 in September, including a .239 clip since the Mid Summer Classic. After his days of singing like a girl and hobnobbing with JT - Kirkpatrick went on to... to... get made fun of in the Eminem song Without Me. Don't worry kids though Chris has a steady job (according to Wikipedia.org) on Nickleodeon's The Fairly Odd Parents and can be heard on an Orlando Morning Radio Show... as a guest.
I'm hoping the Hart can shake the Kirkpatrick in him, so Corey doesn't end up doing the baseball equivalent of Gone Country Season 2. My worry is in his scouting reports. The two I read from when he was coming up were the same - great guy, works hard, but gets tired at the end of the season. With the departure of Ben Sheets and CC Sabathia, many have questioned our starting rotation. The 2009 Brewers are going to need Corey Hart in All Star form, not Kirkpatrick form.

So New! Musings From this Week in the Bad Girls Club

It's Tuesday, 9 pm, I'm wearing a stolen Calgary Flames jersey and my companion is a Caffeine Free Diet Coke... it must be time for Bad Girl's Club. Although it's a Mortal Sin to admit, I missed last week's BGC so luckily Oxygen alleviated my pains by showing last week's explosive episode at 8. There was some stiff competition for the BGC this week as well, both Black to the Future and the latest episode of From G's to Gents was also running at the same time, luckily my love for the drama on Oxygen can not be rivaled.
One of the more common themes in this season of the BGC is The Amber's vs. The Fab 5 - which thus far has been a bout on par with Ali - Frazier II. It's just ridiculous, the Amber's continue to talk behind people's backs and make constant snide remarks that inevitably start fights. Amber M. has really become Queen Cunt, she's essentially the Stevie Wonder of lies and manipulation - if you say you have a favorite Amber M. fight - you're lying because they're all gold.
The other story that's been irking me as far as the BGC is the place of Ailea in the mix. Is she a 'Bad Girl' because she's banging some 40... I mean 60 year old man? Because there are plenty of old ladies that would then be the Baddest Bitches on the Planet. She's also become more consistent than Teddy Ballgame when it comes to fighting etiquette. Every time something breaks out (which is about twice an episode... it's really become more reliable than gravity) she decides to become a bad girl by not acting until the violence is finished then start to yell while being held back after the fact. How did she make the cut? On the other hand of this fight talk is Tiffany who has been laying down more beats than Afrika Bombaataa. She's built like a linebacker and rocking Marb Reds like they're going out of style. Who are these chicks in the club going, 'Hey, see that chick over there? No... Ray Lewis in the dress that's burning dirt, let's go starts something.'
Anywho, back to Ailea - this week she's finally done something that is deserving of the title Bad Girl. This week she decided to throw Gramps temporarily to the curb and take Fadoodle (thanks Trace)... I mean Fazil home for the night. I'm gonna be honest Ailea - the Amber's have been taking guys home like catching the Clap is the new hottest fad - it's episode 10 and you're finally taking some sausage home, you still have some work to do.
Pretty great week (seeing as I got a double dose) and next week it looks like the Club is heading to some porn premiere then to Costa Rica where... as expected... a fight breaks out inside the Club. Translation: next week is going to be rawer than JJ Hardy... well maybe not because JJ Hardy is Raw as Hell.

To, Melissa... Marisa Tomei

Dear Academy,
What the fuck were you thinking? It's bad enough to give Slumdog Millionaire Best Picture, but why screw Mickey Rourke? His speech accepting the Independent Spirit Award for Best Actor alone should've taken him home the gold. I mean the man gives a shout out to Eric Roberts... Eric Fucking Roberts, then continues through a badass cuss filled ramble in which he forgets everyone's names. Posted below is the video evidence.
Signed, Mickey Rourke's Publicist

And the Razzie Goes To...

So after watching the Badgers piss another game away I started to think about what else I was going to do with my life tonight. Then I remembered it's the Academy Awards... basically a giant Hollywood Circle Jerk that I of course will watch - and inevitably enjoy. I've seen all the movies and major nominated roles so here I will do my best to guess. I'll say who would win if I was picking the winners (I'm really not sure why I'm not) and then who will probably win.

If I Picked the Winners
Best Supporting Actress - Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona (I should have picked this category by putting the names on a dart board and throwing it blindly.)
Best Supporting Actor - Josh Brolin, Milk (to be completely honest this is Heath Ledger's award, I just think it's a completely one note performance. Sure it was good but the caliber of performance needed to play Dan White perfectly in Milk is higher than needed for The Joker)
Best Actress - Melissa Leo, Frozen River (for a small art house pic I was surprised to see Leo nominated - but it is the best performance by an actress this year.)
Best Actor - Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler (this is any one's award, Rourke, Penn, Langella, and Jenkins all deserve the award... and I'm actually pulling for Richard Jenkins, but Rourke's tour de force as The Ram needs to be recognized)
Best Director - David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (actually the best achievement in directing this year is probably Ron Howard for Frost/Nixon - because he turned 4 conversations into one of the more exciting movies of the year. I just think from a technical perspective David Fincher crafted an absolutely gorgeous movie. Even though it's a little too long Ben Button has a style all it's own that is classic Fincher and it really is a well deserved award)
Best Picture - Frost/Nixon (even though I would vote The Wrestler - it wasn't nominated. As I mentioned earlier this is one of the more thrilling movies I saw this year, and is sitting at #2 (behind The Wrestler) on my Best of the 2008 List)

What Will Probably Win
Best Supporting Actress - Viola Davis, Doubt (once again - dart board)
Best Supporting Actor - Heath Deadger, The Dark Knight (see what I did there?)
Best Actress - Kate Winslet, The Reader (it's hard to bet against Meryl Streep, but after 6 noms I think this is Winslet's year)
Best Actor - Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler (I almost put Sean Penn, but Rourke was just too good.)
Best Director - Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire (everyone is super wet for this movie and I just don't understand it)
Best Picture - Slumdog Millionaire (I actually got pissed off typing that. Slumdog might be one of the more overrated movies I've seen in a long time, it's essentially the Terrell Owens of the movie world. Sure it's 2/3 of one of the more original movies in a while, but the end just slips into every fucking cliche love story ever made. If this takes home gold (which it will) it's like when Shakespeare in Love won over Saving Private Ryan, Thin Red Line and Life is Beautiful, or if (I mean when) the Bucks make the playoffs under .500 and then win the title... it just makes no God damned sense.

And in honor of Slumdog probably winning The Oscar - this post won't have a legitimate ending either.

An Ode to Voytek

I'll be honest the thought of Bears in the Military scares the shit out of me. Think about it - giants paws, razor sharp teeth made for nothing more than ripping you apart - they're Godless killing machines... I just got the chills. Well, apparently folks, it's real. In WWII the Polish had a Bear working for them and with one thing, and one thing only on its mind - Eating Nazis.
So now, the Ode to Voytek the Nazi Eating Bear.

Superb Work Samberg

It's been pretty well documented the Saturday Night Live has been nothing but trash for a long time. Luckily Andy Samberg has been hard at work trying to change that. This is another great Digital Short out of them including rapping about a boat and an 'ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!' reference.

Previously on 24...

So being abroad as I've painfully mentioned several times has left me with a giant gap in my life - a void that was previously filled by Jack Bauer. Now that I've returned to the States I can catch up. So in honor of the First Episode I've kept a running diary.
Events Occur in Real Time
1:29 pm - perusing FOX.com for 24 full episodes - with all the Bones and American Dad shit all over the place is there really a better indicator of how terrible a station FOX has become? I'm just glad they canned Firefly and Arrested Development to let gold like Hell's Kitchen make the air.
1:31 pm - Textbook 24 beginning - I could write one - give me Joe Everyman doing something that everyone does, then out of nowhere terrorists (or the Russians/Chinese/Insert Country that Hates Us) abducts someone... and usually quite brutally.
1:35 pm - Nice Kurtwood Smith in the sho... oh, God first shot of Jack and I need new boxers. Anyhow back to Kurtwood Smith - he seems to turn up in everything lately - apparently he (according to his imdb page) even plays Hitler this year in an animated short called All in the Bunker. Side Note: is his best role the bad guy in RoboCop? He's been making a great living off playing the same exact character since then... that or Griggs in Rambo III.
1:38 pm - I love that it's basically a crucifiction for Jack - this is the US Government right? Don't you think they'd have a dossier like the one Willard reads about Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now? Just essentially 50 some pages summing up the 6 Hellacious days he's gone through SAVING AMERICA.
1:41 pm - Is that Billy from Entourage? And what the fuck is Janeane Garofalo doing in this season - if she's the new Chloe I'm going to be pissed (for reasons other than being forced to change the name of the blog).
1:44 pm - Walking into the FBI Agent Moss cocks off to Jack Bauer. I repeat - he cocked off to Jack Bauer.
1:48pm - Ok, this is just ludicrious - I figured there'd be the classic 24 loophole in which the explained how Tony was still alive - but why because he's bad now does he have to have that awful (and wildly cliche) 'pencil-thin bad guy mustache'.
1:51 pm - Madam President - woof. Couldn't the first woman President be a little more attractive?
2:00 pm - Just checked out Tony Almeida's (Carlos Bernard's) imdb page - other than 24 it is a little bleak. He must be thanking his lucky stars every day that they decided to bring Tony back.
2:09 pm - Ok, this Agent Moss guy is a douche, and why is there no one in the FBI aware of who Jack Bauer is? There's got to be files that include at least 2 of the last 6 seasons. It's like it's some kind of Bizarro World where all the Nukes and Terrorists he's taken down have just been swept under the rug... I mean did they forget? It's Jack Fucking Bauer.
2:17 pm - Ok nice that this chick is letting Jack work not like that douche Moss, also another classic 24 moment - right as someone's about to talk they get murdered because apparently extracting information is never that easy.
2:18pm - Pretty weak running diary out of me to start Day 7, but I was bored and really didn't care, so. Pretty decent start to Day 7... but then again 6 had one of the better starts in 24 history (nukes, Jack biting a guy's throat out, Curtis getting killed) and ended up being T-R-B-L Tarrible.

Ahhhh, Yes, Ze Germans

I'll be honest, when I heard that Quentin Tarantino was remaking the Italian WWII Revenge Flick Inglorious Bastards (calling it Inglorious Basterds) it's safe to say my pants got a little tighter. Now there's a trailer online... and because I'm really not sure how to put it in the post - I'll throw you over to filmdrunk.com.
Alright folks, Set Erections to Stun:
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/?p=9791#more-9791

Movie Critic: The Reader

Let's go through the things that make the Academy Super Wet:
1. A Period Piece
2. A K(C)ate (Winslet or Blanchett)
3. Nazis
4. A Fiennes Brother
Going down this check list for The Reader
1. Spans from '58-'95
2. Kate Winslet
3. At least 6 Nazis
4. Ralph Fiennes (the Fienner of the two, if you will)
Before this was released you had to assume minimum 3 - maximum 7 Oscar Nods coming for this movie. Ends up it got 5, so right where we'd assume, now saying that this is a movie the Academy would love usually puts the casually movie goer to sleep - but I'll say this, I loved it too.
The movie starts with the early relationship between Hanna (Winslet) and 15 year-old Michael (the phenomenal David Kross - where's his Nod?) and their sexual escapades. The first 45 minutes of this movie no one is really clothed. I actually had to look at my watch to make sure that it was in fact 4 o'clock in the afternoon and I was in a movie theatre, not 11 at night at home watching Cinemax. I lost count after the 213,845 time I saw at least one of Kate Winslet's nipples... not to mention some solid male full frontal thrown in there too. They have sex, then Michael reads to her, and this goes on for a few months until Hanna is promoted and has to move - leaving Michael abruptly.
We next find Michael and Hanna together, but this time in a courtroom. Michael as a young law student and Hannah as an Ex-Nazi on trial. This is where the film really gains it's legs and starts to ask the moral questions that are really at it's core. Hanna's shameful secrets become obvious during the trial, Michael knows that secret - that although do not atone for what she's done - will definitely affect the sentencing... yet remains silent. She hurt him, he hurt her. The characters also from here on gain a real depth and you start to really feel for both of them.
Although many of the reviews I've read have called this just another 'Holocaust Movie' (which it's not), or just 'Soft-Core Pornography Disguised as a Sermon' (which is also not true). It's a movie about people, whether it's a middle aged bus worker with a shameful secret and even darker past, or a lonely shut off lawyer scorned by a woman while in his teens. This is a movie about morals and the way humans interact and affect the lives of each other... plus Kate Winslet gets naked a bunch of times.
The Reader - 4/5 Stars

Shorter (and differing opinion) Review at http://www.yerboyjohnnycastle.blogspot.com

Movie Critic: Vicky Cristina Barcelona

I'll say it right now -
I'm a 23 year-old heterosexual male that loves Woody Allen movies.
There, now that that is out of the way - since 1992 he's put out horse shit. But I think he may be back to his old form here. The movie has a great setting - Barcelona - and a great cast - Rebecca Hall (Vicky), Scarlett Johansson (Cristina... clever title eh?) - and Javier Bardem (who I'm pretty sure sweats testosterone). The first thing that lured me into this film was the promise of a scene in which Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz make-out... to be frank, I'd watch a movie where Margaret Cho and Bea Arthur make-out if I someone told me, '... well, you won't hate it.' It reminded me of my week in Barcelona... except with more 3 somes... and the inclusion of sex in general. It was actually kind of interesting hearing the normal 'Woody Neurotic Dialogue' from someone else - in this case Rebecca Hall (who along with Bardem are fantastic in this movie). It suffers from uneven pacing and starts falls apart with an ending that just left me feeling unsatisfied (typical Scar-Jo).
Vicky Cristina Barcelona - 3/5 Stars

The Band, Not the Continent

For some odd reason this struck me last night - has the song Heat of the Moment by Asia ever been used in a teen/high school/coming of age movie for a sex scene? If not, it may be one of the most ludicrous things I've ever heard. Name a better song for a teen movie sex scene, I implore you - name one. The problem then comes up with naming a song for how the awkward 'next day in school', or the 'impending teenage pregnancy scare'.

Previously on 24...

Seeing as I've been in France and Spain I have not seen a single second of 24 - Day 7... and it's safe to say it's absolutely killing me. So to get my fix (with some help from an old Best Week Ever post), I now present the 10 Most Ridiculous Moments in 24 History (up to Day 7)
10. Teri Bauer get Amnesia (Day 1)
9. Jack Dies (Day 2)
8. Wayne Palmer Wakes Up from a Coma to Avert a Nuclear Strike (Day 6)
7. A Cougar (Ed. Note: Not a Foxy Older Woman) Stalks Kim Bauer (Day 2)
6. Chloe Brings a Baby into CTU (Day 3)
5. Erin Driscoll Ignore Impending Nuclear Holocaust for Quality Time with her Schizophrenic Daughter (Day 4)
4. The Vice President Sleep with an Aide... Who is Sleeping with a Spy (Day 6)
3. Kim Returns to the House of a Murderer (Day 2)
2. Jack Cuts off Chase's Hand (Day 3)
1. A Nuclear Bomb Detonates in Los Angeles and Panic Fails to Ensue (Day 6)

Ladies and Gentleman... I Present The Spool

There's an epidemic sweeping America, whether it's been popped collars or just being a douche in general the term 'Tool' doesn't really get thrown around enough. Now being the advanced world traveler I am - I've run into a new bread -
Latin Name: Spaniferous Toolicose
Common Name: the Spanish Tool
The Spool... if you will, has been seen many a time - mostly around Central and Northwestern Spain. He is identified by the Mullet, the Vanilla Ice fade, or just a Pony Tail. Any type of haircut that should be found in a time capsule spanning anywhere from July '81 to December '92 is their main target. It's also accompanied nicely by brightly colored 80's shirts, their sister's jeans, and high top sneakers (where the pants fit nicely under tongue). Common interest include - smoking a lot, listening to music on their cell phone while walking down the street (sans headphones) and hanging out on street corners or parks in small numbers. These guys are relentless - they have the Cat Calling Ability of 10 American Construction Workers and a penchant for Clubs, Electronic Music and Mixers that are roughly 15€ overpriced.
Listen Bra - let's say I get the Delorean up to 88 and go back in time to when what you're styling was mildly acceptable - I'm gonna be doing blow with Paul Molitor, not be surrounded by you. If I'm sitting outdoors at a restaurant and you casually walk past - I don't want my ears to start bleeding because you need to listen to your favorite DJ on your Razr2 over the sound of traffic or need to hear how bad you want to bang some feminina in Spanish at the top of your lungs.
I guess they're all over the place and we'll just have to deal with them... until VH1 produces Tool Academy: Madrid.